nayonnaise

that damn eye twitch

2007-07-27T10:47:00.001-04:00

For about a month and a half, I have been experiencing an eye twitch. My left eyelid flutters rapidly and although only Pickle can detect it when I point it out, it is so distracting! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm sick of the flutter twitch, slightly impairing my vision!!!!! Talking to my boss yesterday, I was CONVINCED she was just sitting there watching it. I have been wearing my glasses non-stop for all reading and computer-ing, but it just won't go away!

I went ahead and did some research (finally) yesterday. This is a very common problem. Especially for accountants during tax season. The only cause: stress and fatigue. The only solution: rest and relaxation. Huh. Well now the thing is, I don't feeeel particularly stressed. Sure, I am working at a somewhat trying job, high pressure with regard to the big money clients, but seems standard for the ad industry. I am ready to apply to my nursing schools, but first I must complete some pre-requisite courses. Which I have selected at 3 CUNY (City of NY) schools that have night classes in Brooklyn. Very close to our neighborhood. Really not toio big of a deal since it seems I just have to wait and be accepted to one of those of at this point. Going on my way. My body has gotten used to 6am doggy wake-up calls and therefore we go to bed by 10 at the latest. Well, except for Top Chef nights. Then 11. But still, the things they suggested were meditation, massage, and yoga. Yuck. I hate those things. Well, not massage, but I don't have the money for that and to be honest, I think that my back is too effed up and tight, it would take a million sessions to make any progress. I thought of a pedicure, but after last summers toe Plantar's wart fiasco, I am scared to put my feet in anything that strangers have also soaked their dirty, infested feet with. Once again, too expensive even if I didn't have this new phobia.

So there you have it. I am on a quest to relax this weekend because I really don't know how I can go on any longer with this goddamn fluttering eyelid! There it goes again...

Blood drawn on morning commute. Totally grossed out by possibilites of bacteria underneath fingernails.

2007-07-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

I hate my morning commute with a passion. Today, however, it reached an entirely new level of atrociousness when I was scratched. By someone else other than myself. Who drew blood and did not even notice.

I got on my second train and it was very crowded, but I was determined to not let it get to me and to ignore the situation by reading. I was minding my own business with a perfectly positioned hand on a pole between two other hands listening to my ipod and reading my book The Hidden Life of Dogs (which I highly recommend...I just got to the part about the pugs!) when an older, rotund Asian woman comes barrelling through the crowded train because she sees someone she knows. Upon her arrival, she grabs for the pole in the exact same spot that my hand is on. Her long, sharp, pointy, dagger nails scratch my hand. It startles me and I actually (though I didn't mean to) say "ouch!" I notice the scratch starts bleeding. I look around frantically for any other witnesses, but am at a loss. The woman and her friend start speaking a language that I can't understand, but can definitely HEAR through my headphones. She does not notice my hand, me, that she hurt me, that I said "ouch!" or that she MADE ME BLEED. They chat all the way until the next stop where they get off. I'm still fuming. I can't even begin to try and think about the varying diseases and bacteria that could have been trapped under her fingernail that have now been transfered to ME.

Other than that, we had an amazing weekend. My sister's shower went really well and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Plus, I think she was pleasantly surprised. Especially, in terms of the "games" I forced everyone to play. My parents took us out to many dinners that we could not otherwise afford. I got to see XANADU, my favorite Broadway show now, and favorite movie (I have a very, very strong attachment to Olivia Newton-John's and Gene Kelly's cinematic roller-skating musical masterpiece...um, even that could be an understatement) and Olive finally got to meet her grandparents!

get me out of here!

2007-06-26T11:47:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of feeling unfulfilled and being talked down to. Making plans for the future is my only hope. So, I am looking into nursing programs for May 2008 start. Only the ones with combined BS/MS Nursing degrees, which are generally geared towards someone with a BA in something other than nursing, like myself. Since I already have my BA, I do not want to go for another BA or BS in Nursing, or even an Associate Degree, since I feel like it would be a step backwards, or a repeat performance, so there are about 6 programs in NYC that are designed for people like me! Yay.

The tricky part is getting the necessary pre-requsite classes that I avoided at Smith. Math and science, generally. And, for the life of me, I can't figure out why I didn't just take one goddamn intro to pysch course while at that beauty of a school! The main deterrent was failing my first year Bio course, so then decided to run as far away from Math and Science as possible into the arms of Art Studio! You see, I'm quite good at Math and I think it is absolutely bonkers that my AP Calc, Calc 2 and whatever else I had taken senior year of high school and first year of college (which I did PASS) can't count as equivalency of the skills for basic statistcs. It also feels a little backwards. I know, I know. It is very different, but not totally applicable and necessary to future nursing knowledge, if you ask me...but what do I know!

My favorite thing about the new apartment...

2007-06-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

Butterscotch sundaes with extra peanuts and chocolate concoctions (for Pickle) from Mister Softee, who stops in the middle of our new block every night a little past 10pm. It is usually a challenge to stay up that late with early morning puppy and work schedules, but still. Heaven.

In other news, we are still unpacking little by little. It is just taking forever and I don't know why...oh...riiiight...I went on a whirlwind trip to CA last weekend for my brother's HS graduation. Yeah. That kind of tuckered me out. I just can't stop feeling exhausted and yet I don't want to stop moving for one minute because I want to be unpacked already. Pickle goes on her family reunion trip this weekend so there will be plenty of time for me to attempt to do it all. Oh yeah, those waffles in the picture are from my sister. One of the perks of living in the apartment above is that extra food can come my way very easily now...

What was I thinking?

2007-05-31T09:36:00.000-04:00

Moving. Planning a shower. With a puppy who is learning how to use "her voice." A 5 am wakeup-call morning. Oh, and the person I cover for at work is on vacation. For 7 days. Across 3 weeks. I love this.

the greatest invention right now

2007-05-09T10:38:00.000-04:00

(aka one of the perks of work)

This is simply brilliant. Seriously, I live off of Diet Coke anyway, so why not throw in some vitamins! Perfection! Also perfection that this drag of a company I work for supplies us with their client's latest and greatest products.

Although I had a mini break-down last night, I am feeling much better today. I held back tears all day for some reason and when I got home, I exploded within 10 minutes of arrival. I just couldn't stop. crying. I hate that shit because I know it is hormones. Yes, I did a lot of research on nursing schools yesterday and yes, the pre-reqs are overwhelming, but it is feasible and that whole idea in itself, being feasible, that is, is scary as well. All of that lead to me exclaiming that I hates my job as I rolled on the floor with the pug biting my hair. I don't think I hate it. After all, hate is a very strong of a word. ;) I think I exaggerated in my extreme emotional state. Nah, me? Really? And now today things are better. I am trying to take up my time with positive, free, things that make me happy and/or distracted. So far, Wednesday's routine is busier in general so I think it will be a better day. We'll see. Free gin & tonics rushed after work so that we can get home to the little beast, but we can't pass them up. They are in an awesome bar right near Jess-ter's work, and are FREEEE!

Content

2007-05-04T11:59:00.000-04:00

I was trying to compose a blog post in my head for the last two days. I had some really good ideas and for some reason, they have just slipped away due to the intimidation of coming back from a mini-break.

Life has been busy, but I am so happy, I don't mind. We are getting ready to move into the top of my 6-month pregnant sister's (hooray! I'm going to have a nephew!) building at the end of this month (hopefully) and Olive the pug has kept our hands full! Raising a puppy is obviously harder than I expected, but now that we have it down, there just isn't any time for much else than taking care of her and keeping her occupied.

Last night, Pickle said we are squares now and I decided that I liked being a square and in fact, did NOT want to go to the Brooklyn H!p h0p festival. I wouldn't feel cool enough, but I was okay with that. I am happy where I am with a great girlfriend/partner/best-friend, our nice little apartment (and bigger, future one), our pug puppy(Sometimes I really can't believe I finally have one!), and a mostly decent job that pays enough to support myself and pup. The job is certaintly trying at times since there are too many "personalities" here to work with and I get frusterated that this is not where I pictured myself. I am trying to make the best of it for now so that I can establish myself first and then find my dream job. I am thinking of moving within the company to the print side and hopefully working my way around to a creative side but for now its commercial scheduling. I don't really know what the Print department does at my company, but I will find out and I'm sure it would be more ideal. I am also still thinking of nursing school in 2-3 years and one of my much older co-workers told me yesterday to "get out and be a nurse!"

Things are good.

Lily Allen!!!!!

2007-04-06T11:05:00.000-04:00

Oh, yes. One other thing. We're going to Lily Allen LIVE! Not until the end of May, but I am still so excited we got tickets. She is coming here next week and that show was sold out in 5 mins. This show is in a much bigger venue (thank god!) and Pickle was able to go next door to her office building and get tickets! How convenient...no surcharge! I am so excited about this. It is unbelievable. I've liked her forever and patiently waited for her album to come out in the US. It is going to be a good time.

a knitting interlude

2007-04-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

I feel yucky now. I apologize if I hurt any feelings on this blog. I view it as my space to vent and I forget that others, who do not know me, may not understand and are reading it. I also can get quite fired up. But I am moving on.

WITH....

A KNITTING INTERLUDE!

Here are 3 really cool patterns.

The first comes from my little calender I've mentioned before and is for a stuffed BUNNY!! The pattern doesn't completely fit on those little pages so it goes all the way to Sunday. This intimidates me, but I really want to make it. For my nephew. But it is an ambitious project that I need to prepare for. Actually, these are all ambitious projects because I have come to a hiatus in Olive's rainbow sweater. I have about 8" worth of the back/top.

OK, actually, two knitting patterns since I can't get the bunny pattern online to post. Here is a similar pattern.

Here is a picture of the one I got in my calendar. So cute!

The other two patterns are from this really cool website Knitty.com. The first is another animal....

um, yeah, a penguin, but look how cute!!!
Also, I always like to have a nice new, bath pouf. So easy to use scrap-yarn for this one!
Knitty's "whimsies" sections is great. They had these patterns as well as a felted mancala board, callalillies, a wine cozy, and a womb. Yep.

happy friday!

2007-04-06T09:52:00.000-04:00

Thank god it is Friday. I said "Jesus!" in exclamation about something just a second ago and I felt like such a rebel, and then I thought I might offend someone, but NO ONE WAS AROUND (except for my Jewish co-worker friend). The elevator doors opened this morning and everything was dark. All the lights were off except our corner of the floor. This was so unusual because my office is usually over-lit in fluorescent glory...white shiny walls that reflect it off of our new, totally unnecessary, bright, shiny logo. The receptionist wasn't there and the other half of the floor inhabited by a sister company have the day off. This is when it is weird to be in TV, especially on the side for the commercials, because the "show" must still go on.

Someone asked what I was doing for easter and I said nothing. They seemed surprised. I've never done anything big for easter. We just didn't do it in my family...maybe there were easter baskets when we were younger, but only for the sake of candy.

Olive has been a pain. I am reading the same sentences over and over again in the "Pugs for Dummies" handbook about training. Stopping barking, jumping up, biting, and making pee outside. I agree with what it says so I think we are doing all the right things. It just takes time because she isn't even 4 months old yet.

I am having a good morning even though I was up at 5-ish the last two days. Yesterday morning I thought it was 6:30 and in fact it was 5:30 -- it seemed a bit dark, but I proceeded to get dressed to take Olive out until my girlfriend so kindly reminded me of the time. Piddle pad, back in crate, listen to some whining. I shouldn't complain too much. This is what I signed up for. This morning I was able to go back to sleep after her 5am piddle, so maybe that is why I am in a good mood. Also, I've had a breakfast wrap (courtesy of you know who) and 2 cups of coffee. I was even humming when my cube-mate came in. She was shocked.

I want to get my haircut this weekend and do a big chop back to how it was, but I am not sure. I will probably decide last minute what to do with it, a trim vs. bigger chop, but it is getting too long (for me) and thick and hot and difficult to deal with. It has gotten past the point of the quick blow-dry straighter. I also cut myself bangs a couple of months ago (only to be fixed by my mom's hair lady) so that is another hurdle. They are long enough now that I would be willing to make all of my hair about that length. Hmmm...I'm leaning toward big summer chop. Our apartment is always so hot because of the vertical heat pipes that as it gets warmer (not today -- it was snowing again after it did yesterday as well! Seriously, WTF?) I also think my current hairstyle is too square. I'd like to be edgier. I used to be edgier. I miss it.

breakfast wraps, junk food, and flowers...what more could a girl ask for?

2007-03-30T10:45:00.000-04:00

Last night I struggled to take my sister's dogs to the "Dog House," where they board them. It really is called that. The giant chihuahua and the whippet did not like this idea. They were so excited to see their aunt nayonnaise, they were squirming too much for me to figure out Lexie's harness. I fed them and then attempted to put the harness on the whippet correctly 4 times! I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I have never been able to put it on properly. The third time I thought I got it on correctly, and so we started to leave the apartment building and then I noticed it wasn't right and changed the direction to fix it only for it to come out with the lead on the side. Thank goodness the walk was only 4 blocks because I don't think I could have controlled those 2 dogs of such different sizes and craziness. I don't think Lexie really minded the side harness, but it was the tangled up mess of me that had the most problems. My sister had given me cookies and a bottle of wine for doing this. I wanted to take both of these things home. The cookies were in one of those flat, clear plastic containers that can pop open really easily, the baked goods kind, and so I tried carrying them in a plastic bag which kept getting tangled in their two leashes. I must have looked a bit ridiculous. I put the wine in my ginormous work tote bag and we walked down the busy street to drop them off. I think if I had seen myself I would have laughed out loud. I certainly would have never thought of that person as a dog owner. I was also wearing a work outfit consisting of a lot of black. Well, all black and it was an unusually warm afternoon, so I just felt funny.

After I dropped them off I decided to walk up and wait for the bus since my foot was hurting. I have been getting a gross thing treated on the bottom of my big toe for a while and after every time I go to the doctor to get it treated (like yesterday), my toe ends up hurting even in tennis shoes. Luckily, I have a wide variety of crazy colored and glittery sneakers. I'm sorta like a real sneaker pimp with the sneaker obsession and collection (mostly in college)....heh

When I got home I was sad to find the apartment empty. Olive and the Jess-ter were on their after-dinner walk as expected, but I was so sad that I just had to deal with these dogs that weren't mine and now I couldn't even see my own. About two seconds later, Jess-ter and Olive appeared! With FLOWERS! 3 bright colored Gerber daisies...purple, orange, and yellow...our 1 and 1/2 year anniversary!!! (I had forgotten. Ooops.) AWWW!

Hooray! I presented my cookies and bottle of wine as my contribution to our little celebration, but it didn't really compare. As a treat she let me eat junk food for dinner and we watched the Departed. Well, just popcorn in addition to many of those delicious cookies and wine! Seriously, they are the best peanut butter chocolate chip cookies EVER.

This morning she cooked us egg white and turkey bacon breakfast wraps. With cheese. The "Mexican" flavor. YUMM-O! I have the BEST. Girlfriend. Ever.

The subway was entirely too crowded this morning and so I didn't get a goodbye kiss. It always makes me wonder on the subway in particular, if I were a man, or if Jess-ter was a man, if we were hetero then maybe people wouldn't try to cut us off or get in between us. She thinks I am just being paranoid, but there might be something to the male privilege theory--others notice you due to your size alone. I had to hit multiple teenagers on class trips for spring break by "dropping my shoulder" (she taught me that one, too!) on my walk down Broadway. Seriously, can't they see I'm trying to go to work and move to the SIDE when they need to take pictures of the David Letterman sign???

I'm grumpy and don't want to be at work. All I want to do is play with my puppy and girlfriend at home (both at right.) I am soooo ready for this weekend. Trying to get through this day. At least we are meeting for lunch later. This job is sucking my soul and so I eat more and more free candy and soda that they provide for me. Ah, what fun it is to work for a dominating super-power agency with clients that rule the world! Mua, ha, ha!

Why I hate this girl

2007-03-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

Lauren Bl*tzer. I have chosen not to include her full name because I don't know if I have the balls to have this post come up when they search for her, but I really would like to voice my anger and frustrations somewhere, so, hello, Blog!

Backstory:
I first heard of the book Same Sex and the City: So Your Prince Charming is Really a Cinderella last summer upon moving to Brooklyn. I was so excited about this, from the title alone. I thought it would be a new, refreshing take on lesbian life in NY. I read more about it and I was pumped to read this book. The more I read about it, the more perfect for me it seemed--seven jeans, heels, ketel one and more! Basically, these 2 co-authors interviewed (young) women in NYC about their various "defining" lesbian experiences, with a lot of them centered around lesbians who may not appear to be. Women who don't hold the stereotype...ME! I am the girly girl who no one would think was ever gay, but deep down inside I'm as gay as they come!

So, I hunt down the book. I get it the first week it comes out. I read it. I'm unimpressed. There were typos! Multiple! What, the lezzies couldn't get a decent editor for this right place, right time type of book?!?!

It was mostly for women who are questioning. Coming out the closet just doesn't seem like a big deal to me anymore, no matter how you look. Sure, it may come as a shock or surprise, but in this day and age, specifically in NYC, a whole book about coming out just seems unnecessary. I love me some good Chick Lit, name/designer dropping included, but this only took those fluffy parts and put them on top of "so you think you're a lesbian?" genre. I was happy to have such a book created and maybe it would have been helpful when I was 16 and with a boy, but after Smith, let's just say things changed.

A couple of weeks later, I find out that one of my (then) favorite bars, Cattysh@ck (aka the lesbian mecca of Brooklyn, in the heart of park slope) was having a book signing with these two girls. There might have even been a drink or food deal included, so of course Jess-ter and I went. I went up to the table of the books they were selling and asked if I could get my book signed.

"The authors aren't here yet."

Um, okay. No problem chilling out at this bar in the middle of a summer Sunday afternoon. I checked later, and the girl at the table, (annoyed that I brought my own copy that I purchased for 14.95 and not $16 as they were selling them for) said, "oh, I think Lauren B is over there." On the patio was the petite 25 year old in ugly shorts surrounded by people. Literally, encircling her. My first problem was the patio. I had just quit smoking in April (Psss....my one year anniversary without cigs is coming up...) and the patio at Catty is always swarming with smoking lesbians. Did you know that GLBT people are 50% more likely to smoke than their straight counterparts?!? Yeah, random fact. Moving on.

I am a shy girl upon first approach. I warm up later. I didn't want to approach this author when she had all these friends around her that seemed to be there just to hang out and not support their friend's book. So I squeamishly head to the patio, book in hand, by myself, and ask her to sign my book. They all look at me like I have 3 heads. Seriously. They had their beers and their burgers and were having a nice Sunday. Stupid little girl for interrupting...was what they probably were thinking since I look about 12. So she signs my book and is kind of put off that she has to put her beer down. She offers me a burger, I say no thanks, and we leave.

I was annoyed. I didn't like the book all that much to begin with and now I look like a poor lost little lesbian that needs this book to guide her through life as a femme in NY. Blegh! I had spent summers with my sister in Brooklyn, even the last one where I was going to Cattysh@ck under age. When they had first opened. When they first opened around the corner from my sisters apartment. Literally, their backyards touch and from the patio you can see this bar. I have issues with this place. I like to say I went before they were so popular and pretentious. It really was different in the summer of '05...

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. A great site, After Ellen, suddenly hires this one time TeenVogue sales assistant (??? she wasn't even in the editorial side...) to be on their little you-tube-like talk show. They produce an episode a week with a different guest visiting the small panel of popular "expert" lesbians. I immediately hate this feature mostly because I can't watch videos at work. (I can read all the blogs I want though!)

And then Monday happened. They had a new article called "New York Scene: Welcome to the Big Apple." written by my favorite young New York lesbian...My girlfriend jumped in to comment on how utterly ridiculous the celebrity name dropping article was. And she did so quite articulately, I must say. People on this website immediately started battling over the fact that not everything has to be so serious all the time...blah blah blah. I love my gossip, my fashion, and my smut, but this was written badly and did not even have a point. Well, the only point I got out of the article was this, summed up by the author herself:

"I had no idea how many strong, successful gay women there are in New York City."

WHAAA???? Seriously?

Listen, I know you may be new to the lesbian scene and all, but if you have grown up in NYC you should have some sort of clue that this place has people of all types flourishing in the diversity and gaining, yes, SUCCESS. I consider myself one of those strong, successful gay women in New York City, thankyouverymuch.

I feel about as crazy as Jenny...

2007-03-27T11:36:00.000-04:00

Jenny from the L Word, that is.

Last night we watched the last episode of season 4 of the L Word and it was during this episode that the character Jenny, who I have been told I am the most similar to out of all the characters (because there is such a lack of lesbians in pop culture, we lezzies like to sit around and decide who is like what character), got a puppy. A Pomeranian. She dresses herself up, dresses the dog up and parades through a hotel muttering "Stop it!" under her breath to the dog. I love it! I love it! That is me and Olive every single day. Trust me. If you could only see how ridiculous this scene is. The puppy also pees on a conference table, and Jenny, in true Jenny way ("mercurial"), says "Ooops. Someone's not potty trained!" Conference table. Meeting. Love it.

Anyway...

This is day, oh 8, of Nat being off meds. This is an accidental thing. My Dr. is in Massachusetts while I am in NYC. We chat on the phone and she continues to treat/prescribe me because I don't have enough time to start up with a new psychiatrist and all that jazz. But I am forgetful. And so I try to get a refill on my prescription the day before I need it. And she's out of town for a week. Oops.

Luckily, Lexapro doesn't do too much in terms of withdrawal symptoms. It just leaves your body naturally, on its own accord. I know this so I know it is okay for me to have bad habits for my prescription refills.

And so that is why, my friends, my girlfriend and I had the most wretched morning-fight today. Morning fights are the worst because there is the additional pressure of getting out the door to work on time and for some reason the most frequent lately. Having a puppy is like having a new baby in terms of sleep. Well, maybe not as bad, but you get the idea on how it is draining. Waking up at 6 everyday is just something I am not used to yet. So, with the combo of being off my meds and lack of sleep, I become one irrational little lady.

I flipped out upon a sort of nagging which spiraled into the "I'm not appreciated" feeling, which then turned into "my girlfriend isn't doing enough" mentality and which brought along its good friend "therefore she must not care..." which is really just a bad place to go in the morning when you can't match a shirt to your new skirt and no one has had any coffee, but are trying to get out the door in time. While there is a very needy baby puppy running around. So it was just a bad, bad morning. But at least I look cute. My new skirt has gotten lots of compliments. A co-worker even asked if my girlfriend knew I was wearing this?! Uh, yeah. We live together. (She's not going anywhere no matter how hard I try to push her away...) Despite the fight, we actually left the house together in peace after we made up.

Hm, maybe its the fishnets that brought on such a response...

I checked the pharmacy. My medicine's ready for pickup. I think everyone in the house will be thankful.

The end of the episode shows Jenny waking up in a kayak, floating in the middle of the ocean. She left her dog at the party. I hope I don't end up like that.

we're up and running

2007-03-19T16:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, after many technical struggles...

Come read the new blog:

Princess Olive, Queen Mayo & the Jess-ter

man oh man!

2007-03-19T12:02:00.000-04:00

I was all set to go and start a new blog that would be dedicated to all things pug related, Pickle and I discussed a new "family" blog this weekend, but alas, I have lost steam due to frustrating technical difficulties.

First, I am dying to put up pictures from the weekend...I go to Flickr and upload my photos, but I can't rotate them correctly. The site is simply not working with me. They keep stretching them oddly and not cooperating.

Then, I create my new blog and I find a customizer tool online to make it exactly as I want it. No more pre-designed blogger templates for me! I go through about 2 hours picking fonts, colors, styles, only to find out the html that it pops out isn't working. And I don't know anything about html to fix the problems that blogger is telling me about! I am so frustrated and I have lost all energy to do this!

I've wasted my entire morning at work with things Olive/blog related! And to top it all off, I have a badly car-door injured right index finger that hurts when I type so this isn't very easy for me right now at all! I was so excited to make this cute new blog for our family and now I'm pooped with a bunch of work to do.

Hurumph! I am mad! Man oh man am I angry!

pugilicious

2007-03-14T11:03:00.000-04:00

I think today is the last day I will be schlepping to Brooklyn on my lunch hour (or 2) for Olive. Tomorrow Pickle will go and then I think we are going to try leaving her in the crate the whole time on Friday to see how it goes. My motherly intuition tells me she'll be able to hold her potty needs until 5, but we shall see.

She is doing so well and growing too quickly. I want her to stay a puppy forever! Well, sometimes.

Here are some cute pics:

My camera is frustrating me because she is too quick to wait for the stupid thing that takes it sweet time to take a picture! So, alas, when she was flying in the air last night every time the camera would finally take the picture, she had already landed! And I mean "flying" by her mouth attached to a blanket...

Here she is with her meat stick. They are so gross and plastic-y and artificial, but she loves them, she can't get hurt by them and they soothe her teething. She carries the remnants of meat sticks in her mouth like this so she looks like she has a cigar in her mouth!

Here she is on my head. She likes to eat my hair. She als0 likes to be up high. She is just so cute! We have officially lost her leash. The girl can't even go outside yet (next week hopefully!) and we've lost the leash and doggy bag holder we bought that attached to the pink retractable small leash in the black hole that is our apartment. I am thinking of getting her a Pupp!a harness for when she is able to go outside since they are so adjustable and work really well for pugs and their delicate skin.
I want to get her a pink one like this: That pug is Suki. She has her own blog, and she is only 1 month older than Olive! Pugs have such big bellies and small necks so when you have separate adjustments for each it will probably fit nicely. I don't think I have time to type a blog for Olive! Also, Suki may look very pretty, but keep in mind they probably have a better CAMERA! Grrrrrr......

weekend of normalcy

2007-03-12T09:35:00.000-04:00

This weekend was filled with exciting things like cleaning the shower with the new foaming shower spray and buying paper towels in massive bulk quantities for the stink-machine (aka Olive). I do like domestic weekends and with the arrival of the little baby I have enjoyed "nesting" a little bit. Though, in comparison to what others might consider "nesting" my version falls more into the realm of actually getting household chores done in a timely manner.

Friday after work I ran into Pickle on the second subway home. It was a nice little surprise and welcome to the weekend. I got on to to transfer, was looking for a seat, decided not to crowd that woman in the green coat and then realized that she was my girlfriend, surrounded by bags of diapers, I mean, wee-wee pads, for the bebe.

Then, I brought my sister dinner and talked to my new nephew in her tummy a bit. It was nice to see her and while walking there I just revelled in the fact that my new nephew has made it this far so I might actually get to meet him soon. I did my part and brought the poor woman some vegetables (her fave salad) and fried chocolate. She is only now realizing that something is growing inside of her and therefore might need something green once in a while, but who am I to talk. On my vegetable crusade, I picked up some fresh spinach for the dinner Pickle was cooking for me at home.

On Saturday we gave Olive a bath, giggling the entire time as she squirmed between our sudsy hands. We bathed her in the kitchen sink which worked quite well, since the bathtub would have been too big for her to get completely wet. I blew her dry with a hairdryer, which Pickle thought silly, but I think it made her much more comfortable afterwards so Olive was able to fully take advantage of that "so fresh and so clean" feeling by being a rambunctious little fuzzy furball. So cute!

I have been dying for a new camera, specifically a digital SLR. I had wanted one earlier for my birthday in September, but then asked my parents for other things, and as Olive's arrival approached, it really couldn't be a reality and went to the back burner. It still can't be a reality, but now it has a whole new purpose of capturing the extremely quick and cute puppy on film! At first, I thought about getting a new camera as a way to get myself a new hobby. I had just finished intense studies in visual art and I had spent the majority of my time painting before graduation. Photography seemed (and still seems) like a way for me to continue to make art within my limited physical space. I feel like I have closed off the portion of my brain that accesses creativity now that I am not painting. Because I was doing it so intensely before, now that it is simply gone, the only resolution for me to cope with this new 9-5 corporate lifestyle has been to turn it off. Lately, I cannot fine a single creative bone in my body, including any that help me write funny or intelligent blog posts because I am not painting or making art. Now that I have adjusted to living out of any state of depression because of this lifestyle change, I am ready to continue to find more and more things that make me happy. I want hobbies. I want reasons for me to smile beyond the things that make me smile already. It is like I suddenly actively crave happiness. Maybe the arrival of a puppy will do that to someone. I want to raise Olive the best I can (the way we have been), I want to knit, I want to scrapbook, I want to make sure our house is clean, and I want to take pictures! To be able to capture that puppy the way I see her, or at least try to as an active hobby, would be amazing. The pictures that I have taken just do not do justice.

We only emerged from the house once on Saturday and that was to try and get my boots repaired down the street. The shoe repair said it was closed indefinitely. So instead we went grocery shopping. But first we stopped for a beer. Ah, freedom from the baby! We sat at the bar and reveled in the fact that we can simply put our baby in a cage and then leave the house to do our errands undisturbed and it is perfectly okay!

Sunday Olive woke at her usual early hour, despite the time change. Throughout the whole weekend, she had been very good with her potty training. She has stopped going poop anywhere else besides the piddle pad and she stopped stepping in it afterwards. (Thank god since we can only give her so many upside-down-two mommies cleaning butts and hind legs-squirming-in-the air-baths!) Her piddles have been consistently on the piddle pads, except when Pickle is around she sometimes misses completely (but that doesn't happen often, and really only this morning). We didn't do the laundry because we didn't want to leave her alone that long, so we vegged out all day until the spontaneous decision to go to Target for exactly 5 items. The lines were insane, we missed the first bus home, and the stink-machine didn't get her dinner until after 6pm! The quick trip did not prove to be so quick at all and we still have a lot of laundry in our hamper.

So here we are at Monday with so many things to do and lists to make and items to remember!

Stay tuned for another post with pictures (maybe)...

Sometimes I throw away paperclips for no good reason.

2007-03-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

How can you not love this face?

I couldn't think of a title...so, that's what you get. I just did it and realized I was doing it, and I thought it was a bit odd, but also quite telling of my personality. I use a lot of paper clips at work, so when there is a straggler on my desk not being used and not in its proper storage spot in my drawer, I throw it away. Weird, huh?

Olive has been doing great. Sure, she is not 8 weeks old and sitting on command, like some other pug puppies who have blogs out there are, but she is making progress and generally being a good puppy. She doesn't know her name yet, she can't control her back leg muscles, and she thinks her poop smells/tastes good, so I don't think sitting on command is not even in the realm of possibility right now. She is just not quite there.

She does very funny things all the time and loves to curl up in the most odd places. Pugs are lap dogs so she wants to be on a lap at all times. Mine preferably. Chewing at the same time. This is her perfect world. Well, it would be even more perfect for her if we let her chew the meat stick, our pants, and the upholstery, on our lap on the couch, but she seems happy on the lap on the floor, meat stick in mouth. meat stick.

Seriously, the lady who sold us Olive threw them in because she claimed her pugs loved them, and I am so grateful for giving us the great gift of the cheaply processed and highly alarming meat stick. Olive is clearly teething, her back teeth are coming in and all she wants to do is CHEW. She has already marked up one spot on the coffee table and one wooden leg on the couch. I have succumbed to the fact that the couch is probably going to look a little more "worn" than it used to. It's part of having a dog/puppy. She has figured out how to get under the couch and wiggle her way to the back of it to get into our bedroom and the rest of the apartment that is currently blocked off to her. We have to master the poop problem before she is allowed in there. Also, her size makes it difficult to do anything but chew in there, which is the exact reason that she wants in there. It is not allowed and so that is why she wants to do it!

I am figuring things out as I go along. This is really truly the closest thing I might come to parenting. Ever. I'm dead serious. I think she is cuter than any baby ever could be. Sorry to offend, but I haven't seen my-soon-to-be niece or nephew so I can't really count on this as a definitive statement. But, as of now, she is cuter than any baby I've seen!

I like the feeling that something really and truly NEEDS me. Being depended on to care for another is this great feeling that I love. I love that she follows me around sometimes. I love that she has to curl around my feet or legs while I'm sitting. She just likes to be touching me at all times, which I think is especially sweet.

I am focusing all of my energy, money, and extra time to her. I even have gone home the last two days during my lunch break (45 min on the subway each way) to let her out of her crate and eat a little lunch. The vet said 2-3 meals, but I'm not sure she is always hungry enough for a whole third one. The vet also told us that her original breeder in Missouri gave her shots too early, and too close together before she was shipped off to the Puppy whorehouse that we bought her from. It wasn't that cruel or dirty, and they claimed it wasn't a pet store, but something was not quite right in that whole process so I am glad we got her out of there and into our home. When I am feeling guilty about leaving her in her crate for so long during the workday, I think about how we kind of "saved" her, and that makes me feel a little better. I have been having a really hard time not feeling guilty about this, but I know lots of people do it so it can't be that bad and is keeping her trained (somewhat).

Focusing my "everything" on Olive is not exactly what I am doing, though since there is another lovely lady in my life already. I think we make a good parenting team/unit. Olive already likes to kiss Pickle more than me, so the attention is not as one-sided as I make it out to be.

I have begun deleting all of my junk emails from shopping websites before reading them or looking at the pictures. Before, I used to "just look" at the pictures and see what free shipping deal they had, but now I am not even letting myself do that. I'm not checking any fashion or purse blogs to keep all temptation away. My money has to go that baby, especially when she is going into the vet every 3 weeks for shots. I actually registered for pet insurance through my company and after I file some forms, I should be getting a chunk of money back. I signed up for a regular package, with an additional sort of puppy program that will make spaying her only $65! Whoo wee! I'm excited about that one, but we have a long way to go.

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In other news, I thought I'd share a cool website. This is from my St!ch 'n B!tch daily tear-away calendar from Feb. 28:

Nine free knitting patterns from the American Red Cross Museum from both World Wars. They are available in pdf form and are quite simple. They range from a "Navy Watch Cap" to a "Man's Coat Sweater," but judging from the measurements given, I bet one could alter it a tad to fit a woman. That might be too advanced for me, but the "Watch Cap" sounds cool.

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Also, please look at my beautiful new(ish) trash cans from the Conta!ner St*re that fit perfectly under our tiny little island/prep table. Aren't they perfect and beautiful and work great to keep wandering, ahem, snouts, out of there.Please also note that the contents of the counter-top are extremely telling of our current state at Casa de Besita. (we have started calling Olive "Besita" as in a little female kiss in Spanish. This word does not actually exist, but we like it and made it up.) The Cl*rox Everywhere spray is a must because they say it is gentle enough for pets and children to eat, but disenfects. Plus, it smells lovely and you don't actually have to wipe it, just spray. The wine opener, obviously. The Nutri-Cal vitamins for puppies, and her dinner bowl which we have started taking away after "mealtime" so she is learning not to graze all day. Also, the frozen pizza box because that's the extent of the energy for cooking we have lately. And by "we," I mean Pickle, but it is still usually a joint decision because I don't want to do the dishes and clean the kitchen after any cooking projects.

***********************************

Also, my current reading project: The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster. I am 5 pages in and I like it already.

babies also...

2007-03-05T14:07:00.000-05:00

...like to play with their poop.

I just got back to work after the mad-lunch-dash back home to check on the baby. We left her baby-gated in the kitchen this morning with her crate, toys, and piddle pad. This was her first time being left alone for more than half an hour-we do have to go to work at some point. However, I did not expect what I came home to. I couldn't see her upon first look because she was hiding on a low shelf overlooking her mess. She walked in her poop and then proceeded to play in it. And then the sun came in through the window. And then it dried. So there was dried poop paw prints covering the kitchen. And her bedding. And her. Then mommy tried to clean the kitchen with Febr**ze. Didn't work so well.

Oh, babies!

I really want to go into more detail about whole experience from Friday on. Also, I'd like to post pictures, but for now you can look at my flickr set for the 60-some pictures I have taken in the last 4 days.

babies poop a lot.

2007-03-04T18:55:00.000-05:00

Especially a certain baby pug. Olive is a stink machine. She is also a cuddle machine, so it makes up for it. Just like any baby, she sleeps and poops a lot. She has a good appetite and is the smartest puppy especially with her house training! She is already going in only one spot on her wee-wee pad. The fact that she can contain it to only one wee-wee pad is also quite impressive. She has become familiar with all of her toys and has managed to figure out how to use them. (she didn't know how to chew the nylabone right away...tee hee.) She slept through the entire night last night and her first night home (the night before that) she only woke up once. I sure do love my baby.Her ridiculous arrival bow they put on her. Also, she's on my shirt!

Looking perky in her pink polka dot collar.

sleepy baby.ready to play.playing with her chiuaua squeeky toy in her cable knit turtleneck.
carrying her rope toy that is as big as she is.

OK, there are too many pictures to post and I can't decide which ones are best...they are all too cute! Also, blogger takes soooo long to upload them. Also, I have a pug licking my arm and I want to go play. More pictures to come later...

Happy Olive Eve

2007-03-01T12:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I pick up Olive. I have been waiting for this day for a very long time. I don't have much time to write, since I accidentally volunteered to help cover for someone who is out today WHILE I am getting adjusted to a new portion of another one of my clients. What was I thinking? Somehow, I am know fielding calls for two entire clients today. Oops.

At least I am keeping busy during the excruciatingly painful waiting...oh my, we are so ready it is beyond believable. I did laundry last night (on a weeknight!) so I could have maximum puppy time this weekend. Pickle and I have been meeting every day during lunch to get the last minute things. Cont**ner Store yesterday for new garbage cans, B*d & B*th for a vinyl placemat, etc. We are picking up the baby gate on our way to the breeder in the morning. That is the last thing we have to get, besides her food, which I plan on purchasing as we pick her up (they have a store there, too). So, tomorrow I will have Olive in my arms, introducing her to the apartment and her new things. I can't wait!!!! She is seriously the cutest and most exciting thing that has happened to me in a while.

Pickle is surprisingly enthusiastic about Olive. She even told me she was in love with her already. And this, from the girl who was worried I couldn't love them both enough, who would get jealous upon the early mentioning of the puppy! HA! We are going to be the best moms to this little girl. She doesn't know what she's in for. I have a feeling it will be a little different from her current situation.

Olive, my (almost) pug

2007-02-25T20:21:00.000-05:00

We picked her out on Saturday. We are having the most self-control of our lives waiting until Friday to pick her up (but of course we put a deposit down). Here she is: Olive!

She was born December 13, 2006 making her just 10 weeks. Isn't she pretty?!?! 5 days and counting. I spent $300 at Petco...here it goes! I'll write more later-- the Oscar's are about to start!

PUPPIES!

2007-02-23T10:44:00.000-05:00

Last night Pickle and I went to visit a potential breeder in Brooklyn. Oh my! We took two trains there after dinner and found ourselves in a crowded little place with toy puppies EVERYWHERE!

This place is kind of like a middle-man where home breeders drop off puppies on Thursdays. Well, we didn't know about this Thursday arrival bit, but now we do. The place seemed very professional and were teaching other people about their puppies and gave them food and other bags to bring home. I was very happy that the pugs were not in the cages in the front with all the barking chiuauas and froufy teacup dogs. Those were so small! I would be so scared I would drop them or step on them. That's why a pug is good for me since it is the biggest of the toy breed.

So, I asked for the female fawn colored ones and after a lot of commotion, a girl brought out 2 little girl pug puppies from the back room! They were so cute! One was bigger than the other and although the littler one was very small (which is what I want -- the smaller the better in my opinion), her coloring was a bit too grey for me. I held the baby one first and she was shaking a little bit so I guess she was scared. She was so small I didn't even know how to hold her! Pickle and I then traded and I held the bigger one who was a beautiful yellow-ish golden with good black markings and a curly tail already (which is a good sign according to my pug research). She was giving the kisses like you wouldn't believe! She loved licking my neck and pawing at my chin. Her little nails didn't even hurt because they were so small. She ended up squirming around, licking, pawing, and SNORTING near my ear! She was perfect! She ended up nibbling on my earlobe, but those puppy teeth didn't hurt one bit. I wanted to bring her home with us right then! However, they don't hold them, even with a deposit, since it is "first come, first served" with these little ones. So, we will go back on Thursday night, hopefully with a car, and hope that the same good one is still there or another good new arrival. We shall see. If they don't have the right Olive, we will wait until the following Thursday. So that's the puppy plan! It was just so nice to hold them and see how big (or small in this case) they really are. She will have to be carried up our steep stairs for a while for sure until she gets bigger.

Tomorrow we are getting the pet supplies we will need which include:

piddle pads with a possible litter box tray for them to go into
leash, tiny collar, or harness (though those nylon strappy harnesses are not good for a pug's delicate fur and skin)
2 stainless bowls
shampoo since those puppies smelled a bit and I will want to wash her shortly after she gets adjusted
crate
nail clipper or battery operated grinder
hair brush
treats
toys!
small sweater or fleece for puppy to go out in the cold (though not necessary, I know. Pickle already explained to me that dogs were meant to be outside and their fur should keep them plenty warm...WHAH??)

So that's the puppy plan. I am so excited and I can't wait and I just hope they have the right Olive come next Thursday. I have already scheduled a vacation day on that Friday so I will have a nice long weekend for the two of us to get to know each other :) Fingers crossed, everybody!

goings on

2007-02-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

There has a lot been going on this week. Whoo!

OK, so Valentine's Day was lovely and our dinner in Brooklyn was great. I'm really glad we didn't have to deal with Manhattan and the snow that night after all. Pickle and I picked a neighborhood place we had never been to, TEMPO, and had their little 3 course pre-fix menu.

Yesterday at lunch I went and got Pugs for Dummies, which I have been pouring over and which Pickle likes to read the picture captions aloud so we giggle. (She doesn't remember that it is for dummies, you see...) "Black and fawn pugs enjoy sitting on chairs." But it really is the best and most detailed to prepare. Things I have thought of and worried about are finally answered. Brilliant!

Last night we went to the Time Out NY/Design Within Reach photography event/auction/happy hour in the Brooklyn store. It was nice and we even bid on a beautiful photograph since we were there early enough to put in $150 on this giant abstract aerial view of a bridge and water, but it really looked like a line with geometric detail. All the photography was from Time Out staff. I'm sure we didn't win it since we left more than 2 hours before the event ended, but it was fun to sit on expensive modern furniture and drink wine with my drunk (from a work party) girlfriend.

My mom is coming this weekend and so far the weather has not been cooperating. I think her flight is back on after it was cancelled, so we'll see. I have planned for us to go to the Met for the Costume Institute's Nan Kempner exhibit on Sunday with $10 manicure & martini after at Beauty Bar. Very mom activities. We are also excited because she is staying near the Century 21.

I have narrowed my pug search down to 2 places, 1 in Brooklyn and one in Long Island. I am calling them both after she leaves on Tuesday to see if I can just look at them before I decide. Well, I am calling the Brooklyn one and if it is unacceptable/unsuccessful, I will call the other one.

The following weekend, Pickle and I will be taking our massive trip to Petco and getting the essentials like her crate. Oh yeah. I also bought that doggy tote I posted about earlier from a different seller and I got quite the good deal with free overnight (though totally unnecessary) shipping. It was over $150 off! I think I did just fine and although everyone will think it is unnecessary, obnoxious, and too early, I am going to love it and I want to be able to do this for myself. She is mine and I will put her in whatever I want, thankyouverymuch. Practical, pink, or otherwise.

That weekend is also a really late birthday celebration for her with our friends. Or, the last hoorah before puppy time. Having a puppy is going to be so exciting and make me so happy. Watch this video (it is a little long, but totally worth it) to see how cute Olive is going to be.

In other news:

Someone found my blog my googling "grandma lezzies." So many thoughts run through my mind, including an image of Pickle and I really old. That's a funny one. Also, was someone trying to find porn??? That creeps me out. I think I have mentioned that Pickle's Grandma Ginny was okay with the lezzies, or something...I hope!
Yesterday on the subway we had a funny encounter I want to share:

Man sitting next to me, writing in a little journal: "Can I ask you a question?"
Me: "Um, sure. "(thinking he was going to ask if the train stopped at 34th street, or something)
Him: "What do you find attractive in a man?"
(ME: in my head: What the f*CK?!?! I haven't had enough coffee and it is too early in the morning commute to even attempt to come up with something witty and informative, let alone try to describe my hypothetical-yes-I-can-find-men-attractive ideas...)
Pickle and I look at each other about to laugh...
Me: "Buddy, I think you are asking the wrong two women on this train."
Him: "Well, what do you find attractive in each other?"
Me and Pickle: "I think that's too personal, thank you." And we immediately move to the newly vacant two-seater away from him.

Seriously, though. What kind of a weirdo asks strangers this in the morning on the way to work? and more importantly, what kind of a weirdo googles "grandma lezzies"? I think they are the same person.

That's all for now.

Best girlfriend in the world

2007-02-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love the google chocolate dipped strawberry heart...go look...so cute!

My girlfriend is the best ever because she created such lovely Valentine's surprises for me including sending me roses to work yesterday, making me a nano mix with pictures of us for each song (she's tech savvy, too!) and a Tiffany's Frank Gehry square ring. Ahhhh! Let me just gush for a moment. Pickle is the best at picking out presents for me and thinking of me in general. I am so lucky to have such a thoughtful girlfriend.

This is what the ring looks like:

And here is what's on my extra-special, just for me Valentine's mix (of course I have linked some of my favorites to share since I love that I figured out how to that):

DON'T LOOK BESO! (this is what the playlist was called on the computer at home)

1. Happy Valentine's Day - Outkast
2. Wonderful You - Audra McDonald
3. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins
4. You Make Me Wanna - Usher (this one cracked me up on the subway this morning! She let me listen on the crowded train by myself as long as I showed her the pictures as each new song came up.)
5. Moondance - Van Morrison
6. Fever - Peggy Lee
7. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield
8. The Way You Move - Outkast
9. It's Love - Blossom Dearie
10. Take Me Anywhere - Tegan and Sara
11. Let's Get Physical - Olivia Newton John (yes...I love ONJ...I think this means I have made her watch Xanadu a few too many times.)
12. L-O-V-E - Nat King Cole
13. Cupcake - Nelly McKay
14. They Say It's Spring - Erin McKeown
15. For Once In My Life - Tony Bennet and Stevie Wonder
16. Any Way You Want It - Journey
17. I'll Take Romance - George Shearing and Ernestine Anderson
18. Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You - Lauryn Hill
19. Knock Me a Kiss - Ruth Brown (this one's picture is the ink painting from my senior exhibition of Pickle.)
20. So Happy Together - The Turtles
21. The Nearness of You - Sarah Vaughan

Hooray! I love you completely, beso.

waiting is hard...

2007-02-12T12:45:00.000-05:00

Especially when it is for a puppy!!!

In order to succeed in my pug plan, I must wait a couple of weeks before I can do anything in preparation. For example, I really wanted to tidy the cords and clip them all together this weekend so that a puppy would not be tempted to chew on them, but Pickle told me we had plenty of time to do that and I needed to relax and watch the TV and not the cords. Plus she might not even be interested in them, so we should wait and see. Oh. But what about the Christmas decorations under the couch? Can't I put them into a new storage bin so that the puppy can't chew on them? No. Not yet? OK. Fine.

So, I just have to add those things to my list. My giant puppy proofing/preparation list. It just keeps getting bigger. I want to be the best mom and in order to do that I must also be the most prepared mom.

Doing those preparations usually entails spending some money which is the main reason I have to wait. Also, Valentine's Day dinner is coming up. So, I must wait. Wait through Valentine's Day, only the most perfect time to bring home a cute pug puppy with a pink and red ribbon on her...wait through a visit from my mother...and wait through a weekend in which we are finally celebrating Pickle's birthday (which was Dec. 30...last year even). And I had to obviously wait through this weekend which wasn't so bad since we went to see Spring Awakening, Pickle's V-Day present which was a fun, new musical. Seriously, if my mom wasn't coming I would be able to have an Olive puppy in February like I had always said and not in March as it will most likely be.

So to occupy my time I have found this:

This of course, is a designer bag. A designer dog bag. It reads "Love me Love my dog." It is Juicy Couture. I have to have it. It retails for $285, but I have found some online for much cheaper. Juicy bags are the dog bags to have. This size is the unique big size since usually they look like little bowling bags. They have cute little charms that hang off of the zippers which I am sure would drive a puppy nuts! The thing about this is that for a designer bag, it is very very cheap! For a dog bag, it is just a little more expensive than any average pink bag large enough to hold up to 15lbs (about $100). So, if I can indeed ioffer it for $150, I'll be set!! All my dreams could come true! A designer bag...a pug puppy inside....oh my. Pinch me.

Also, in my spare time, I've found these beauties. Marc by Marc Jacobs, of course. At only $90 on eluxury, they are a steal! I have always wanted plastic aviators and these are so cute! (this picture just doesn't do them justice.)

During my wait, I have also been discovering some new music. I, along with the rest of America, was anxiously anticipating the release of Lily Allen's new album Alright, Still. She is my ultimate favorite right now. Her style, her sound, her hilarious lyrics are at first a cute quirky novelty, but they stick around to prove she is quite the package. Too bad she has now gotten so popular that her show in NYC was absolutely too sold out for me to find tickets even through scalpers online! Seriously, though, I was spending 1 euro trying to play those UK files while everyone else was still listening to Fergie or whoever was popular during the beginning of summer. I love Lily! She is being considered as a new spokesperson/model for Chanel by Karl Lagerfeld. She always wears poofy prom-like dresses with sneakers, which I adore. I have also discovered MIKA and my new second fave Regina Spektor, who has the most amazing voice. MIKA is such a throwback to Queen/Abba/dance and feel good music. It also sounds a little like Polyphonic Spree to me.

What I'm listening to now:

1. MIKA - Grace Kelly
2. Regina Spektor - Fidelity
3. Lily Allen - Alfie
4. Shiny Toy Guns - Le Disko (featured in L Word, episode 1 of this season)
5. Gym Class Heroes - Cupid's Chokehold
6. Lily Allen - LDN
7. Cold War Kids - Hang me Up to Dry
8. Lily Allen - Knock 'em out

OMG!!!!!!!

2007-02-09T13:53:00.000-05:00

They're going to let me do it! My parents have given their "blessing" to go ahead with the pug!

I am so excited I can hardly stand it. They are allowing me to use a portion of the money in my savings account from when I sold my car towards the purchase of the puppy as well as medical and spaying costs. I want to go to the breeder I found 1 hour away right now. Right. Now. Well, Pickle and I are booked the next three weekends, so I really can't until the first weekend of March, but I still want to go right now. We aren't completely booked, but booking anything at all when the arrival of a puppy is taking place is just not feasible. Practically, we have a lot to do to get ready for her. We have to buy different garbage cans, a crate, piddle pads, food & water bowls, food, toys and (hopefully) a doggie tote to take her home in and to the vet appointments that we will be walking in the end of winter to.

I wrote them a letter last week and really thought about my plan. I detailed all of my research and cost break-down and included the research on the pet insurance through my company. The kennel club/breeder that is 1 hour away says I can come a take a puppy home that day. They seem to have a lot of puppies of different breeds available. (I keep asking if they have any girls, and they don't respond, so I will be crossing my fingers on that one.) I only want a girl. Her name will be Olive. That is that. There is no negotiation. It is not a baby and I can decide the sex if I want to!

I have a back-up breeder who I haven't aggressively pursued since this one came through first, but I am prepared for anything. That is the approach for this adoption/purchase.

I am just so happy. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now that I don't have to worry about getting access to that money, and having my parents approval, I can worry about the real things I need to worry about in preparation for OLIVE!

And now, some pictures of puppies....

(the last image was sent from the breeder I have been in contact with.)

turn to the right

2007-02-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday and today's titles refer to David Bowie's song...fashion!

Not that anyone cares, but today I would like to keep getting out all my fashion wants, needs, desires, and mishaps.

I was a bad girl yesterday. This continues my bad-girl-shopping streak that I've been on.

Let's back up to when it started. First, it was Ugg boots. You see, I own a pink pair and a unique black leather pair that are heavy duty mucky snow boots, so they don't really even look like Uggs. Anyway, I wanted the little booties in a less "look-at-me" color like brown. In college I had a brown pair and got rid of them upon graduation thinking that Ugg boots are 2003 and meant for college girls. I have gone back and forth on this important issue for a while after seeing countless throngs of young women march into my office building everyday wearing those boots. If they were still wearing them as successful business women, I wanted to as well! The comfort alone! I wanted to be a little more unique if I was going to go with this obnoxious trend, so I ordered the short bootie version online. Upon their arrival, I put them in the filing cabinet of my desk at work since I was not sure I wanted to keep them. I hid them from myself and with Pickle's help, decided to return them and get back my $100. I must think of my future pug puppy, Olive. This is what I keep telling myself when tempted to shop.

But yesterday. Oh, yesterday. I went to Sephora to pick up a replacement powder compact that I buy approximately once a year when I run out. (note: approved by my financial advisor/girlfriend) I walked in the cold to Columbus Circle because I know from past experience to avoid the Times Square store like the plague during lunch time. The problem with the Columbus Circle location? It's in a mall. A really nice upscale mall with J.Crew and bebe and stuff. I wandered over to Esprit after and the sale took my breath away. Esprit is one of the few brands that a) I can wear to work and look age-appropriate b)can usually afford. So, the fact that they were having a sale made my day. I bought 3 sweater/tops at 19.99 each. I also got a 10% discount off my total because I signed up for some stupid points card thing that I will probably never remember to use anyway. One sweater was a present for Pickle and the other two were for me. When I got home, Pickle was not too pleased. She appreciated her present, but didn't want me spending money when I didn't have to. In my mind, I had to. It was a sale! C'mmon! But alas, I am thinking of my puppy purchase and after more online encouragement in the form of research, I think it is best I return at least 1 or 2 of the sweaters. They were such a good deal, basics that could be worn throughout multiple seasons, but not necessities. I have enough black sweaters that one more really won't make or break my wardrobe needs. The white one I might hold on to. As well as the green one.

The prospect of this pug puppy happening within a month is looking good and keeping me focused on budgeting and not shopping. This morning, I composed a letter to my mother and father, outlining my plan for the puppy, financially and otherwise, mainly to ask for their blessing. I wrote it to tell them I am doing this, not to ask for their permission, just slight approval and confirmation that it is my money and not still theirs...So, I have emailed 5 breeders, one of whom is in Brooklyn. We'll see. Ideal adoption date March 3. Puppies born 2 weeks ago are a good match for this.

I am continually on the lookout for the perfect work bag, as you may know. Instead of obsessing over the pugs all morning, I thought I'd check out work bags especially after the one I saw this morning. I have seen this Coach one a lot, and although it would be a dream and absolutely perfect, it is $398. I just think it is beautiful and wanted to post it to show everyone perfection.

This morning, I saw the bag I want and could more realistically buy. A woman was carrying it into our building. It is the Longchamp Pliage bag I have in bright neon purple, but completely different. This one was unlike any I have ever seen. It was black nylon, which is what I want instead of neon-screaming-purple. But this one...it did not have brown leather details like all the rest (pictured right). Instead, it had unique black leather straps! I have to have it. It is so perfect and chic at the same time without costing too much ($115). These are great bags and can carry a lot, even my medium sized one always fits my lunch. However, when I went to the website's Pliage customizer, black leather straps were just. not. a. choice. I have searched and searched all morning which leads me to believe it is only available in Europe, where the company is from (more specifically, Paris) and I just need to go to Paris for it! Or at least to the airport's duty free shop!

I have now found this Longchamp :
which is completely leather and the same style as the pliage without the nylon, but once again out of my price range at $398.

This weekend we are hosting a Superbowl party where I plan on making 7-layer dip! It should be a fun excuse to drink beer and eat all afternoon while we analyze the commercials. You KNOW I don't watch it for the game. Duh.

turn to the left

2007-02-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting for this for a while now. Tory Burch has come out with her "reva" flat with a silver (instead of last season's gold) medallion. I have wanted these shoes for so long since I am an avid flat wearer. I have found that despite being short, I walk too much to wear anything other than flats and these are just my style. Little ballerina slippers never hurt my feet despite their lack of support or whatever non-fashion reason you have for wearing ugly shoes to work. I also have my eye on the "exclusive" silver with silver ones, but they are all sold out except in a 10.5. Boo. I already have pairs of black and silver flats, but that medallion just screams classy fashion, and I love this designer!

But alas, at $195 a pair, this is beyond the realm of imagination...a girl can dream...right? I have to think about the future of a certain pug puppy...

Since I am taking the time to blog about fashion, I might as well get some other fashion desires out of my system. I have been searching for the perfect, work-appropriate bag. Now, you may remember that beautiful Marc Jacobs bag from the summer. In the end, I got a pretty good fake from the street, one of the perks of working in midtown I guess. This bag could be work-appropriate due to its size. I like to be able to fit my lunch, at least 2 paperbacks (one I'm reading and one sudoku), my nano, my planner, my fairly big wallet, and everything else that I usually carry in my purse. However, the straps are not quite long enough to fit under my arm, as tiny as it may be and the worst thing about this knock-off is that the black lining rubs black onto the contents of everything in the bag! So, that's out of commission.

I asked for a black leather work bag for Christmas from my mother, who frequents the Sak exclusive warehouse sale twice a year where you fight with Chinese women over the turquoise Elliott Lucca, the higher end division of the company. Also, a family friend works with them so in addition to the exclusive warehouse sale, I think she gets a discount. Anyway, my mom got me an almost-right-but-not-quite black leather purse. This one only has one strap, not two, so although it fits under my arm, it is tough to get in and out of on the subway.

There was another street vendor attempt made recently. I chose one that was really cute, imitating something that I could not identify, in light brown leather (or faux, who knows!). This one had one strap, long and big. A slouchy style with extra-large gold zippers as a statement. However, those sassy XL zippers (there are only 2, I don't want anyone thinking I would have a bag with numerous big gold zippers popping out all over the place...one for the main compartment and one for the outside) MAKE NOISE! It drove me nuts! Everywhere I walked, "clank! clank! clank!"

So, yes I have been carrying a pretty nice nylon work bag now. It is one of these that I got in the Amsterdam airport duty-free with my mother. I see this bag all over Manhattan in different colors and sizes, but mine seems to be a little to small, so I'd like the next size up.
I like this bag because the two straps are long enough and thin enough to stay put on my very narrow shoulder. Also, since it is nylon it is very light weight. However, I decided to pick out what color, but BRIGHT PURPLE. Like, you can spot me across the street purple. Like, if there were a neon purple (some may argue that there is, but my color theory courses didn't go into neon colors in college so who knows) that is how bright this purple is. So, it still isn't quite right. I like to go unnoticed in this city. I like to be fashionable, but I don't like drawing attention to myself.

grown-up things

2007-01-29T09:40:00.000-05:00

Last night our first, real, grown-up bed was delivered. The act of putting the futon out on the street is very symbolic when it comes to a nice tidy metaphor for this time in my life. A real mattress and box spring for the real, gainfully employed grown-up me. Last week, while talking on the phone with C. (the only person from college I still talk to) I was flabbergasted/speechless upon hearing her tell me a story that really sums things up.

It went like this:

Me: Can you call me at work?
C: Yeah, what's the number?

*****
Me: Didn't you take like 50 of my business cards the last time I saw you since I had so many extra?
C: Well, yeah, but I was keeping them in my car... and... It is a really funny story...
Me: What'd you do?
C: A. was visiting me for Thanksgiving and we got really stoned at the Drive-in...
(in my head...the Drive-in?!?)
C: And there were these birds.
Me: Birds?
C: Yeah, near the car. And we wanted them to come closer to us, but the only thing we had in the car were your business cards. So, we ended up tearing them up into little pieces and feeding them to the birds to try and get them to come closer.
(hm...)
C: So, A. and I basically tore up our only gainfully employed friend's business cards to feed them to birds. Funny, huh?
Me: Awesome.

Perhaps this story deserves some context. You see, my "best" friend C. has been living at home since graduation. I think of her as my best friend because she is the closest thing I have right now. She doesn't always behave in ways that warrant that title. She is leaving today to drive cross-country to try and find an apartment and job in San Fran. With her straight girlfriend. (I only call her this because that is how she was introduced to me.) In the S*ab she got for graduation. I don't have a lot to say about this, but it is just something that has stuck with me over the weekend while I was doing grown-up things like buying a real bed by myself for my girlfriend and I.

Also, when I was cutting my hair and cut a little too much to be able to go down the drain smoothly. Oops. What can I say? I'm only beginning to do grown-up things. It's a process, okay?

Drowning in snot, but still kicking and screaming

2007-01-25T10:09:00.000-05:00

I hate missing work, but it turns out, life in the small TV world that I control can go on without me. For once, the person that covers for me was competent enough to take the initiative to look into my well-organized files and binders to figure out how to solve the problems. It was also lucky that there weren't any big ones yesterday.

So, that's what I get for chasing after that little 2 year-old LM. Last Friday we found out he had an ear infection, so those 5 days of wiping snot off of his blueberry-juice-coated face really were little experiments testing the strength of my immune system. Thanks. It wasn't enough that I had that gross yucky tummy bug 2 weeks ago. Flu shot next year for sure. Luckily, NY has free ones and I will just have to get my ass in gear and get one in time.

Last weekend, Pickle and I went uptown to the Jewish Museum to see an Alex K atz exhibit, "Alex Katz Paints Ada." If you didn't spend any time in my studio last year, you might not know that Alex Katz is one of my favorite artists of all time. The simplistic paintings and prints with such attention paid to the decision on what to include, were one of those many influences on the portraiture of my senior show. To be able to see those brush strokes up close, and it was incredible to see that the pieces that I looked to mimic everyday were real, right in front of my eyes. My favorites of his wife throughout the 4 decades were the portraits that depicted a "funny" accessory -- swim cap to fedora- where Ada remained as beautiful as on the cover of a glossy magazine. This is an artist that I admire and even have a copy I painted of his hanging in the apartment. Whoo. What a rush. I could go on and on. I have definitely romanticized the cooky/cartoonish/pop-py/bright colored paintings.

It was also fabulous because on Saturdays the museum is free, we only went to see that exhibit and no other part of the museum, and therefore I didn't get anxious about the big deal of going so far into the city. It wasn't a big deal. It was just one of the like, 3, activities of the day.

Many other things happening on the horizon, too. February was the "designated" month in which I was allowed to get a pet in my new apartment. Once upon a time, the parents said 1 year of living on my own, and the compromise with my girlfriend, for some reason, don't ask me why, was 8 months of living on our own. So, February marks 8 months since graduation. Eight months of taking care of myself. Eight months of living with a significant other and maintaining the most healthy relationship I have been in (and the greatest, easiest, etc...I could gush on and on...) Eight months of independence and therefore, I think, enough time to have enough responsibility to take care of another being.

So some time soon, I will call the Brooklyn "puppy petite" people I found online. They breed pugs. I will call and visit and check out the place and then make a step toward using them or finding some where else (petfinder.com, but they don't have puppies as often). So that is my plan. I only have this week (hopefully) left of babysitting for the LM before they move to NJ. That will give me so much more free time to take care of myself, my Pickle, see friends and family that I have neglected, and think about how I am going to present the idea of the pug puppy to the parents. You see, I technically sold my car upon moving to NY. I made the decision that I did not want it anymore and it would be more of a hassle than a help. I would have chose to keep the car if I were living somewhere else. This car was mine, purchased by my father, but given to me 4 years ago. I made the decision to sell the car. My father did the actual work, but in the end, most of the money from the sale (the sale amount minus the shipping fee to get the thing back to the west coast) was put into my checking account. I elected to put a portion of that into a savings account, which I would not touch and another portion of it would stay in my checking account as "buffer" money. I wouldn't touch it unless absolutely necessary and my paycheck should be on top of that. Yes, I have dipped into the buffer amount. But, not by much. And it was very much due to Christmas. But, I still have that other money in savings which has only gained interest. Here's the kicker. All of this money is in joint accounts with my name and my father's name on them. I don't know why this is. It seems like that money should be mine, but it never really was, and I never did the work, and blah, blah, blah. I think it is more hassle now to get my own bank accounts, but if I really want to purchase this puppy (at about $1,000) plus who knows what) what sort of tactic do I go about in terms of the disapproving parents? Note: for Christmas they got me a fake snoring, battery breathing stuffed pug. They know I want this.

So, here are the options I am considering:

Buy the pug with the money that I have complete access to. Tell them after. Be damn certain that I believe it is rightfully my money.

Propose this as a well-researched business plan. This would make my father happy. This is my mother's suggestion. I will show that without buying shoes, handbags, and jeans for a while, I will have enough money to support this creature. I know all about my company's pet insurance ($12/month pre-tax money out of my paycheck for a $50 co-pay for all vet visits). If I have to go away and put it in a puppy playhouse, that is about $35-40/ day, but chances are that there won't be many times when myself, Pickle, my sister, and my brother-in-law, will all be away.

Also, Pickle and I don't have much vacation time anyway. I am going away in June for my brother's graduation, but she is staying and perfectly happy to take care of our pug.

Send them a cute illustrated story book that features my research, but also shows how much my emotional well-being would be improved by the pug puppy that I have wanted since they told me we were moving out of the city and into the suburbs of Marin Co. (my junior year of high school). This promise also included my own car, which came 3 years later so I shouldn't whine or complain, a swimming pool in the new house (since it would be so "warm" there!) and the said pug puppy.

Those are the options that I have thought of so far. I could also casually mention it on the phone to my mother before or after or very close-to adoption date and argue with her a little bit and not worry about consequences. I mean, really, what are they going to do to me? I'm an adult, right?

***********************************

In other news, I really wanted to write something about this article in the NY Times about Fashion in Politics, and specifically, Pelosi's recent "fashion-forward" choices since taking Speaker of the House. This was sent over from my Pickle, and instead of articulating my two-cents, which I just don't feel like doing right now, I will just link it here instead for anyone to read if they wish. I am just too lazy to say much, but I found it interesting and therefore, thought it should be of note. Especially since I know that there are real people besides the usual three people I see in my life, reading my blog! Ha! I love my new site counter!

I think I might fall over

2007-01-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

I am so tired, I think I might fall over. Last night was a nightmare.

Pickle and I are trying to use our Y membership for real and go to the gym every other day, even with my adjusted nighttime schedule picking up the Little Monster I nanny for. So, we decided to try and go workout in the newly remodeled Y 2 blocks away before work, before 7am. This meant trying to get up a little before 6:30. We did it. We went. We conquered that hurdle. It really wasn't that bad. I would get about an hour less sleep on weeknights, but that just means I get to go to bed an hour earlier on gym nights. So, anyway after that we went to work and I had the strangest time with a woman on the subway after Pickle left. In the middle of the day I had a dermatologist appointment to continue freezing off the plantar's wart on the bottom of my right big toe. This is probably the 5th appointment, but last time I got a blood blister below from a man on the subway who stepped on my foot after I had the procedure done. My foot did not hurt as bad yesterday as it did when the man stepped on it, but there is still some pain today. This is fun.

After work, I went to the Little Monster's preschool, picked him up, walked in the cold wind home and stayed until 12:15am! Now, his mother had called to say they had to be in NJ very very late after work and I knew it was going to be late and I wasn't going to get my usual 8 hours of sleep, but it was just. so. terrible. I cried all to myself because I just wanted them to come home already. The LM (I will refer to him as LM now, that's easy) has gone to sleep by 9 and I was left in their apartment. Their apartment is fine. It is very nice and has a lot of DVR TV or whatever with recorded shows and I got to watch the first 2 episodes of the second season of South of Nowhere, but it just wasn't my home. And that was all there was to it. I didn't want to deal with a golden retriever, my shows were gone, I had eaten my Thai food. There was nothing left to do. Also, they don't have a computer or my lovely girlfriend in their apartment. I was stuck in work clothes and hot and sweaty from my busy day with the general schlepping of a toddler in someone else's house. All I have to say is that they pay me well and in cash.

So I am a very tired girl.

That's better.

2007-01-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

RE-VAMPED!!

I think this is better for me. I might be making other adjustments later, so stay tuned.

(Hah! I say that like people besides my girlfriend and my sister actually read this.)

indifferent.

2007-01-16T11:05:00.000-05:00

I think I hate my blog.

Look at that statement--I even hate how indifferent I am towards it!

So, first off, I don't think I ever have anything important or relevant or even worth writing to say. Ever. I don't think anyone reads this, but I am fine with that. At the same time, I can't let it be an open forum without editing and a bit of self-censorship because there is a chance that anyone in the internet public can come across it as well.

Also, I don't like the format. But I haven't found one that I like better. Seriously, though the whole thing justified to the left really bothers me. I hate to say it, but it really is also a little too pink.

In other news, I got to attend the NYC L Word Premiere party sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign last weekend. It was soooooo exciting. Jennifer Beals, Illene Chakin, and Marlee Matlin were all there. Apparently, the internet tells Pickle there were other people there, but I did not see them and those three were the most important, anyway. Marlee's interpreter did some of her talking, Illene spoke about how great HRC was, etc. But mostly I just stared at Jennifer Beals. She looked like a doll. A shiny, perfect, Hollywood creature that I have never before seen so up close. I was quite close to the stage and in my shortness I could see between and below all the arms taking pictures! She is so beautiful. So. beautiful. It was also fun to be at an event with an almost entirely lesbian contingency. Oh, how it was just like Smith! Pickle was still away on her business trip, so I brought a friend. BUT it would have been a lot cooler if I could have been showing all those ugly lezzies how hot my girlfriend is and I could have been making out with her in the middle of the dance floor like it is my god given purpose and RIGHT, dammit...the attitude taken by the other, ahem...patrons at the event. You can read about some other person's experience at the party here.

I think I should just make a quick note that I am currently reading a pretty good book. I have left the chick-lit genre and am reading Elizabeth's Gilbert's memoir Eat, Pray, Love. I really like memoirs. And even memoirs that aren't really memoirs. I don't care what you call them. They are entertaining stories about people, writers, authors. This book chronicles Gilbert's travels to "find herself, etc." through Italy, India, and Indonesia. My problem is that after the first third of the book, Italy, I don't want to read anymore. She jumps to religion, or faith, and I was still getting caught up in the excess and loveliness that Italy had to offer in its food, culture, and language. The character decides to learn Italian before going on this trip since she just always wanted to. And so, when she writes about the language's beauty, I am convinced I need to go back to studying Italian. (I only did it for 1 year, but excelled because of my 5 years of Spanish.) But, yes, I am trudging along.

I have been trying to get a new coat. I convinced my mother to help pay for it and when I stood in Macy's today in Herald Square (which I NEVER EVER go in), on my cell phone with her, I was so overwhelmed with choices about the perfect coat, I ended up simply buying a replacement of the coat I have now that isn't quite right. This coat is a better version of my old one, which was falling apart, but it is still not the perfect coat. I think that maybe by the time I am 30, or even 40, I will have the perfect coat for every occasion in NY. Until then, I will just have to settle with average coats, and a pretty nice everyday coat.

some random thoughts

2007-01-12T09:57:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed the clear stickers with black stars on them above the subway maps in the train? Well, I am convinced that someone went on every single train, in every single car, and put these stickers up. On our way home from JFK, I saw where the trains sleep. Someone must have jumped into each car and stuck the star above the framed map as close to the upper right-hand corner, that they could get. Sometimes, they aren't exactly in the upper right-hand corner, but I think this was because whoever did it had to move very quickly and they couldn't be precise.

******************************

In other news, I am FINALLY feeling better after the stomach plague that had taken over my body since Monday night. I was at work yesterday, barely, trudging along feeling nauseous, but since I hadn't been actually sick since Monday, I had to be there. Truly hideous. My body reminded me that I wasn't completely better with one last "hoorah" when I got home last night. Apparently, skipping the gentle food step got to me. My body had to remind me to slow down, and I made Pickle take me to the grocery store for bananas and saltines. She is also FINALLY back from her business trip. It was hard to be sick by myself. She also does most of the cooking so I was really at a loss without her.

Getting back into the swing of things, trying to keep healthy. This weekend we are shopping for a new mattress/bed and going ice skating in Prospect Park.

Up and Over

2007-01-04T15:20:00.000-05:00

The hurdle to finally post has been crossed. There has just been so much going on I haven't been able to update.

Leading up to the whirlwind that was my holiday vacation, work was CRAZY. Preparing any sort of closing for any sort of agency that deals with television is nearly impossible, you see, because TV does not stop for the holidays. In fact, it is one of the most watched times they have with crucial advertising in things like football games, parades, and awards shows. So after assembling all of my holiday schedules ahead of time, though Jan. 8th(!!!), Pickle and I were off to California to visit my parents and brother. (That very Friday night after my full day of work.) CA was fun, fine and the mellowest of our stops across the country on our multi-family, multi-coastal expedition. I guess this was because I was the most comfortable with my family in my-sort-of home. Some highlights included cleaning out the entirety of my bedroom so that my parents can "downsize" to an apartment in San Fran after the brother goes to college. This seem unfair to me. I am only 22 and do not have the space for all of the stuff that I have accumulated in my life. I wanted to be able to have a small drawer of underwear, t-shirts, and PJ's, but no, there will not be that for me! I will be officially an outsider and will have to bring my own t-shirts, underwear and PJ's from now on. I know some people who get to keep their high school rooms until they are 31. These people also end up living back at home, so I guess my point isn't very convincing. But still, I didn't feel ready and had to suck it up and make decisions.

Some other highlights included getting the cutest and cruelest Christmas present of all time. When I woke Christmas morning, Pickle and I went to the tree and as I was looking at the stockings and what Santa brought my brother, (Yes, we still get a few presents from Santa.) Pickle spotted a little cardboard dog carrier with my name on it from Santa! Oh my! Could it be?!?! The one thing I have wanted, but cannot have...my precious pug?? I peered in the box and did in fact see a small furry pug, and noticed its belly moving up and down, but also with a strange noise coming out of it. I looked closer and realized it was fake! It had batteries in the bottom to make it "snore!!!!" Very cute. Very disappointing. February. That's when I will start looking for real. Olive the real pug will be mine shortly. In the mean time, I have named my snoring stuffed animal Pimento.

My parents were very welcoming and generous to Pickle. It is something that means more to me than they know. Even my aunt who has never met her sent her a present! Including such an important aspect of one life into another important life is vital. My dad even said I looked so happy and that made him happy. We have also been a particularly happy family due to positive news from my sister regarding what's brewing in her belly!!! (even though that was after a scary thing for her) YAAAAY! She deserves this new year to be better than last. For. Sure.

Pickle also got to meet a large portion of the Canadian/Dutch family at my dad's cousin's (2nd cousin, I think, but I can never keep track and who really cares!) 60th Birthday. She is just a month younger so they are close. He headed up the dancing while Pickle, my mom, my brother, and one boy second cousin watched as the rest of them danced their butts off to disco. A family fave. Some of those second cousins are step-second cousins so it was really the second time I have ever seen them, and that first time was probably when I was 10 or so. But, it was cool to get everyone together all grown up, and to include Pickle in this extended family affair.

After CA Christmas, we went to DC where we would stay at Pickle's Dad's house in Northern suburb VA for a few nights. Pickle's twin brother and Dad picked us up and waited for 2 hours with us for our bags. At least one of the bags was filled with presents entirely for her side of the family from the both of us! We did some good sleeping in and eating there, and met the twin's girlfriend who came in later. They hosted a birthday dinner for them. (The twins have a Dec. 30 B-Day.) It was pretty uneventful except their lack of presents. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but this is my blog so I will say what I want. My parents spoil us rotten and have too much money than they know what to do with, so they showered both me and Pickle in gifts. This was not the case for this Christmas. Pickle got 1 Birthday gift and 1 Christmas gift. I got 1 Christmas gift. We gave bigger gifts and more gifts to her dad, step-mom, and brother in general, but that's OK. A little different that's all.

Off to the other side of the family in MD! First stop, Grandma Ginny. I feel it's OK to use her name because it creates such a nice little portrait of the funny little lady, and I don't think anyone could ever have anything against Grandma Ginny. It just has such a nice ring to it, don't you think?

At Grandma Ginny's, we were joined by Pickle's Mom. (Brother and his girlfriend still with us.) The first night we got the bed in the guest room. The best place. The second night, New Year's Eve, we had to sleep on the floor. This house was full of traditional holiday spirit with lots of gifts, especially for the twins and their birthday. Thank god, because if I had been the primary gift-giver for Pickle, she might be disappointed if I can't deliver like I did this year next. They are always very welcoming to me and even asked what the best thing to call me was, when being introduced to family friends. We decided that just "nat" was fine and I didn't need a title like girlfriend, roommate, or partner since none of those really seem right. On one hand, when we go to the crazy neighbor's party with lots of old people who are probably conservative, girlfriend might seem like a slap in the face, but roommate is belittling our relationship. Well. Whatever. At least Pickle's Mom and grandma brought this up, which was thoughtful.

We spent New Year's Eve at home with Grandma Ginny, Pickle's mom and step-dad. Nice champagne and wine and TV and calm. We refused to go to a "house party" with her brother where we would have to "crash" on the floor. No thanks. Grow up. There were also some smug comments about my dreams meaning that I am missing a penis didn't help. Freud can suck it. I'm not missing anything. I am SAT-IS-FIED, thankyouverymuch.

And I must pat myself on the back for not smoking during this portion of the trip. Grandma Ginny and her husband smoke. Inside. All the time. And so does her mom and brother! Whew. I think I am finally getting to the point where cigarette smoke bothers me. At times, I thought it smelled bad and not good (much different than, "I remember that smell...I think I would like it..."), and a couple of times I thought the smell was giving me a headache. Go me! I think it really sucks that it hasn't even been a year since I quit. If I could put it so far behind me and say, that was sooooo long ago, I think I would feel better to a certain extent. I guess I'll have to wait until April.

After Grandma Ginny's, we went back to Pickle's mom's house in Annapolis. What a cute little town! Why have we never visited her there before? Much better than suburban VA. The brother finally felt superior enough to not talk to us or bother with us! This included the 2 hour car ride to the airport where he didn't talk to anyone (even his girlfriend) Those twins are competitive like whoa and I'm just hoping that all of his attitude was not because of mine and Pickle's relationship. Pickle and I don't think so, but who knows. We can't seem to figure out if one semester of grad school has turned him into a monster or what his problem was.

And after a late night arrival back to our house (yay!), Pickle turned around the next day to go on her semi-annual sales meeting in Florida. She is away on business for a week and the overheated apartment is so scary, lonely, and sad without her! I am keeping myself busy with babysitting every night and intense back-to-work things, but last night I stayed awake for a long time listening to all the noises. I had to keep the window open for fear of overheating and my little Pimento's snores did not cover it up. I miss her and need a return to our routine desperately.

something's missing

2006-11-29T15:48:00.000-05:00

I wish I had a friend with whom I would meet for coffee and a baked good every once in a while to "catch up."

I would indulge in spending money for such an event, if it were possible, but it isn't. All of my current friends have either not been around long enough to know me that well and/or are friends with me because they are friends with Pickle, and we come as a package. The other friends, who know me and who I need to catch up with are not close enough, geographically, for this to be possible.

I don't keep up with my college friends. I have anxiety that makes me feel like I have to "prepare" to talk to them. I shouldn't have to prepare to talk! It is hard to keep up friendships by way of phone only. Only 2 have ever tried calling me. I haven't tried to call anyone else besides them, either though because of laziness and this anxiety. I can only call one now since the other has sort of dropped me/disappeared onto a farm. Keeping up communication with this one friend is difficult for a variety of reasons and she is the one who I feel I have to prepare the most to talk to. She still lives at home. She doesn't 100% support/approve of my relationship with Pickle. She doesn't have a full-time job/career. She doesn't really get my life right now. I think I need some new friends. Any takers?

what's your addiction?

2006-11-28T13:53:00.001-05:00

Over Thanksgiving weekend, I not only completed meeting all of Pickle's extended family, (go me!) I also got to go to 2 galleries in DC. Life without art in it everyday is really taking its toll on me and instead of channelling my creative energy into the usual outpost of shopping, I have to decided to recount my museum adventures today. During most workdays I browse online for clothes. I constantly want more and am never satisfied. It is one of my (many) addictions. I have discovered that this activity must be where my creative energy is going since I am not making art like I used to. Thinking up outfits has become my artistic endeavor. And in New York there seems to be limitless inspiration. There are so many fashionable people, I find myself feeling unstylish more often than in other places. Ok, back to the real art.

The first visit was to the Corcoran Gallery. Here, we saw a very nice mixture of contemporary art including universal faves like Richard Diebenkorn (left), Donald Judd and Max Weber. In the exhibition redefined the difference between contemporary and modern was explored. We saw a great deal of work there (maybe too much Joan of Arc) and my favorites have definitely been blurred together. There was not a lot that blew me away or surprised me in an unexpected way. However, it was really nice to be in the art environment and take a look at those brush strokes on some paintings of note that I had studied in college.

A photograph that was featured in the exhibition sight/insight at the Corcoran, that drew my attention was this one. It is called "Living Dolls," by Margi Geerlinks. Color photography that is able to capture a contemporary issue is a genre and technique that always captures my eye. I would love to explore that some day.

After the Corcoran, we visited the Renwick. Here, we only looked at the permanent contemporary collection and an special exhibition by Ruth Duckworth, a fairly revolutionary modernist sculptor for our time. The permanent collection had this sculpture by Larry Fuente which is amazing and made entirely of plastic toys. Look at that little doll arm! (I notice a trend...hmm...I have always been fascinated with the creepiness of dolls)

There was also the famous "Ghost Clock," by Wendel Castle (right). This sculpture is made of wood, though one might not know it without reading the materials since the sheet that is draped over looks so real it might blow in the wind at any moment.

The featured exhibition from Duckworth (left) was also something of a surprise. Although the materials were listed and expected, each piece seemed to extend the materials' capabilities. The porcelain and ceramic modernist sculptures looked as smooth and soft as butter. I desperately wanted to reach out and touch the smooth organic surface.

After all this, I'm tired. Whoo. I usually don't have such labor intensive posts, but this one required so much frusterating layout work I thought I'd "go all the way." That's all for now. (and probably a while!)

Better than Chocolate Lucky Charms

2006-11-14T13:16:00.000-05:00

During my very grumpy day yesterday Pickle made me walk down Broadway to enter a lottery with her. This lottery was for tickets for the Chicago10th anniversary celebration show (the musical.) Pickle loves Broadway like I love designer jeans. If you won, you got 1 ticket to see the benefit celebration/show. I huffed down to the theater and met Pickle to enter the lottery to win tickets.

This benefit show will feature the big stars that have ever been in the show in the past 10 years.
My dad once showed me a trick when he was entering a drawing with a business card that involved folding the paper in half and then flipping one corner up into a triangle. I did this fold when I put my slip of paper in the Chicago box yesterday and I won! But better than that, Pickle one, too! They told us 10 tickets were being given away for free to fill the theater for the benefit performance and we both won! I clearly entered for Pickle and would have given her my ticket, but this is best of all. The performance is tonight and it is Black Tie optional. We get to dress up. There are people who bought these tickets for $500. We are getting them for free. This is a great musical and I am soooooooo excited. This is also Pickle's #1 fave. In particular, I am excited to see Bebe Newarth and Ashlee Simpson, among the other great castmembers that are coming back.

Today is an exciting day. Not only did I get to bring whatever I wanted for lunch, which included Chocolate Lucky Charms as a breakfast snack, but I get to go to Friday's for happy hour and appetizers for our 1/2 priced quicky "dinner" before the show. The show...whoo-wee! We even got our seats together!

you can't always get what you want

2006-11-13T15:27:00.000-05:00

I am angry. I have pent up anger that makes me want to scream or squish something really hard until it pops. My period is coming soon, but I am not usually this angry. I just feel like I can't have anything I want and I am continually being deprived of something. But I can't quite put my finger on what is making me feel this way, as usual.

The anger cannot simply be from money worries, holiday anticipation, bills, and miscommunication with Pickle. Those seem like things I face everyday. The holidays are coming up, but I am less aprehensive than most since I am actually excited to see my family. It means presents. It means no work. The money worries have been particularly bad since Pickle's college loans are starting now and we are looking at cancelling cable and phone, which I really really don't want to do. At the same time, I don't want to pay for those bills all on my own.

I want to go shopping. I want to be selfish. Actually, I think I am usually pretty selfish so I want to be more selfish. I really really want to go shopping. However, I am not supposed to get anything for myself until after Christmas. My last purchase was for some Nordstrom sale items that should be arriving any minute. That includes metallic silver pumas! And a cheap bag that will hopefully become my new work bag and a cheap knit dress. However, I want MORE! I want a new coat that is less hot than my super New England winter ones. I might look for that at the Macy's sale tomorrow since I have a giftcard from a return. But I also want one more pair of skinny jeans. And a better pair of black pants. And better winter work tops. See, this post is getting selfish?! Just talking about what I want. I am such a whiny spoiled brat! I make myself mad! I am just. so. angry.

I have wasted away my Monday, which is good, but I really can't figure out what I did all day. That makes me mad, too. Also, I can't keep track of my money and it is so frustrating because I just wish checks could be cashed in a timely fashion so what my account says was an accurate reflection of what funds I actually have! C'mon Mr. landlord!!!

I really wanted to post about my Friday night when I babysat for a 2 year old little boy with Down's, but I just don't think it is the time.

***************

I saw a backstreet boy. Kevin, the dark haired one.

***************

Babysitting for a 2 year old boy is hard. I am used to it because toddler boys are my specialty. They seem to listen to me. We have fun together. I can get my energy level up to theirs. A 2 year old boy with Down's Syndrome is really not that different. The energy level has to be up there, with his, as usual. So, once you get your energy up there and sustain it, babysitting and chasing him around and feeding him, it just takes a little extra patience.

Once you understand the quirks, like how much he enjoys throwing as a form of communication as well as sharing, it is just the same, but different. When he wanted to play with something with me, throwing it at my head was clearly the obvious choice. And when I stopped paying attention to him, strapped in his high chair, throwing was the solution. That, for sure, happens with toddlers in high chairs anyway. So, we looked at his toys, played for a little while. Played with Pickle and the dog when they came over. I fed him his dinner which required the most work since I am a messy girl to begin with! It really was amazing that most of the food actually was eaten in the end. We had to send Pickle and the dog away since they were too distracting.

The other tricky part was putting him to bed. Getting the onsie PJ's on was really difficult since he is a squirmy one. Reading the books was hard because he wanted to turn the pages very very quickly (while continuing to squirm) so I ended up reading in a rushed, not so soothing, anti-bedtime voice. Then when he was crying in the crib, holding him or rocking him was once again difficult because of the wiggling. So really the only difference was he's not very cuddly child. That was about it. Finally, after some holding and some back stroking and a lot of baby symphony music, he was quiet. The parents were impressed that he ate all of his dinner and was actually asleep so I think I did a pretty good job. A good job indeed.

award-winning

2006-11-07T14:53:00.000-05:00

I won!

(nat as nano)

We have been up to so many things, it is impossible to catch my blog up! Some highlights included:

my mother's visit with my 3 vacation days I took off for her, which was very tiring with the amount of "partying" we did.
Halloween when I received my award (aka Halloween cookie) at a random stranger's party...we knew the peripheral friend
Mary Poppins the musical. I want to see it again. I use my Mary Poppins sippy-cup every night since my gin & tonic at intermission came in it. Less glasses to break since it is plastic and has a straw!
Sat. night game night at our house. We ended up being remarkably social! Go team awesome...
Sunday brunch with sister celebrating step-nephew's 16th birthday (whoa. 16.)

All the while I have been fairly happy and even enjoyed myself most of the time. I still feel chained to meds and need to get a good psychiatrist that takes my insurance since my doctor is in MA. That's all for now.

Happy election day! GO VOTE!

too much grey's makes a girl go crazy

2006-10-23T13:50:00.000-04:00

This weekend Pickle spend most of our time watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. It is truly great. Thanks, Bri. Just what we needed, another TV addiction! But I really do like it and the music is stuff that my sister is now fond of, but guess what, two of the bands that are frequently featured in the show, Tegan and Sara and the Dittybops, are young lezzie faves!

In the midst of all the appreciation for Grey's I find myself thinking back to freshman year when I thought I would be going to med school. Oh yeah, I wanted to be a doctor, remember? I don't look away at the gross scenes, but instead I am intrigued. I analyze the characters' bedside manners, thinking how that profession is so much more about the people and not the science. And I go back to this dream. Maybe I would have stuck with it if I wasn't in a beginning core science program that was designed to weed out pre-med students. Maybe I can go back to one more year of chemistry and one more year of physics and apply again. I was so close to completing those requirements. I regret it a little bit. But I know that I wasn't happy at the time and there is no use in dwelling in the past now.

This is what I have come up with. In my life, if I had unlimited money and time and energy I would go to this program on the Fast Trak in Fashion Marketing. This is a viable option. Grey's has made me ambitious. If I act quickly I might still be motivated enough to continue school. Also, if I act quickly, my father might pay for it and support me while I study. I am thinking spring of 2008. Or, maybe I'd like to be really inspired and think about medicine in a new capacity. One which is easier, takes less time, and ultimately is always easy to find a competitive job -- nursing. It is a lot like being a doctor. Those nurses on Grey's get to be in the same places as those doctors and interns. So, I really have gone crazy and gotten quite ambitious in the process. Being a nurse could be something that I would be good at, I think. And I could even be in neo-natal, which is what I wanted to go into when I was considering med school. Crazy, right?!

In the midst of all the Grey's watching, I skipped over to Soho by myself Sunday to go to a denim sample sale. Pickle stayed home and napped because she doesn't like designer jeans and shopping in general. I didn't find any new jeans there, but on my way back after my old navy exchange, I found a new pair of sevens! Guess where? Marshall's! 80 bucks, within my set $100 sample sale limit. (in a new size bigger, too...shh) Old navy was very good with basics like tights, socks and underwear. So, I got to do some minimal shopping in preparation for my mother coming, my 3 days off with her, and the inevitable shopping extravaganza that will take place when she is here. More on that later. Sometimes thinking about the whirlwind next week makes me anxious. My mother visiting makes me anxious a little, too.

Jenna Elfman

2006-10-18T14:26:00.001-04:00

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Hmm. While playing at work, I came across this website. Now, this photo of me is not very flattering, bear in mind, since it was taken very early in the morning on the train in Eastern Europe and I hadn't showered in a couple of days. But, that picture was the only one where my face was facing front and there wasn't someone else (ahem!) in it. I don't think I look like any of these celebrities and Jenna Elfman isn't very pretty. Also, I really hadn't heard of Kristin Kreuk and I had to look her up. Amanda Seyfried was in Mean Girls and even though she was the dumb one, she was pretty funny.

I have been feeling better lately. I think the wellbutrin was all I needed. I just hate saying that, but I can really feel the difference. I want to be off of meds so badly, but I just don't think it is going to happen anytime soon.

I finished Elements of Style by Wendy Wasserstein today. It was like all of my other chick lit that I read, just with prettier writing. Also, I must add that it doesn't get interesting until the very end, so it was hard to get through the middle. I am so done with chick lit now, though. I think I have requested every single one that the Brooklyn Library has and I am sick of them. I wish there was lesbian chick lit! Upper East side women who have problems of the privileged (mental issues, alcoholism, etc.) where the author name drops trendy designers, but still pine away for their woman, not man. I want someone to explore that genre for me, okay? Thanks.

I'm not in the mood

2006-10-16T10:25:00.000-04:00

I am feeling yucky lately. I can't seem to figure out what is really wrong, just that I don't want to do anything at all and in the meantime I get ridiculously anxious about everything because I am not doing anything. That's why I haven't posted in a while. I feel like I don't have anything to say nor do I have the energy to articulate it. I feel burnt out. Stuck in a rut. Nothing seems exciting in my life. Having Pickle in my life is something that has become a given. I love her and she loves me and we bring each other great joy and happiness, but that doesn't seem to be enough to constitute an exciting life. Our stability is something that takes pressure off of my anxiety, since I don't have to worry about dramatic relationship on-goings, but I still feel like something is missing. I feel bored and borring and yucky. Yucky is the only way I can describe this.

On Friday I went on a cleaning frenzy. I left a certain company function early to go home and do the massive amounts of laundry that had been piling up. Things left over from other laundry days like towels and the down comforter. I did laundry like a mad woman. I cleaned the house and dealt with winter clothes and storage. Storage! All by myself! I climbed on top of dangerous plastic bins to get to the top shelf above our closet so that I could rearrange the storage. I had ambitions to mop! I didn't get around to that one, but even the ambition is impressive. I wanted our apartment clean so that it could be one thing I didn't have to worry about. And then I was done. The apartment is mostly clean. I have been keeping on top of doing the dishes. What can I do with the energy that I was once used to worry about cleaning the apartment now? I was stumped. That's how I felt all weekend.

The weekend had ambitions. Pickle and I were going to go to a reading event in Bryant Park. An early morning NY T*mes Op-Ed Panel, Eve Ensler in the afternoon, and a hip-hop dance group that I was a part of (in their San Francisco troupe) for a couple of months when I was 14. We were ready. We got up Saturday morning at a reasonable time and took a mess of trains to get there. Only to find out it was on Sunday! Ha. Of course. Silly me for not double checking the date on the website that Pickle forwarded me. Our own fault. We lost all ambition after that. We got up Sunday to do the same thing all over again. We woke up early and made a delicious breakfast like the day before, but decided to wait until the afternoon to go. Then, decided not to go at all. We really lost our ambition and the trains seemed like so much trouble to do all over again. We went for a walk in the park, though. That was good. It was the first time Pickle had even been to Prospect Park! We went to the gym and I worked out hard. Then, the yuckiness was the worst last night. Sunday nights are always hard for me. They always signify the end of the weekend and in the past, crunch time for homework. I used to get really depressed particularly on Sundays in college.

Then I got anxious about calling a friend and my mother. I feel guilty about not talking to either of them enough, especially my mother because she points it out, but I just couldn't do it. I wanted to do nothing and worry about calling them instead. I wanted to watch Grey's and drink some wine and go to bed and not speak at all and I didn't want to figure out what was wrong.

Oh, the wellbutrin. I just got my refill yesterday after a full week of not having it. Between the far away doctor and the new pharmacy, something didn't happen and so I was out of it for a week. Yes, that could be the thing that has been making me feel yucky, but I wish it wasn't. I hope it isn't. I want to get off of the medicine since I was under the impression that it was just an aid that I was using to quit smoking. I have quit successfully. I don't want to smoke and I don't want to be a smoker. I may miss it and want them sometimes, but in reality I don't want them. I don't want their taste or smell or to break my successful quitting. I want to go off of that medicine so badly. I felt like this week was a test to see if I could do it. And for a while, I was fine without it. But the weekend showed me that a) I can't just stop taking medicine and I know better and b) I still might need it.

Oh, and my period. I got that last night. For the first time in over 1 year of living together (we essentially lived together in college, just alternating dorm rooms) we both have our periods at the same time. That could be. But the yuckiness seems different. It is the real life yuckiness.

I am bored with myself. I don't particullarly hate my job, but I don't like it. I am uninspired. I am taking care of myself really well. We eat well and now we exercise well, but that isn't enough to motivate me or make me feel better. I am not even in the mood to finish this post.

RIP, my pretties

2006-10-03T13:57:00.000-04:00

Last night a terrible thing happened. Black ink mysteriously paid us a visit in the dryer at the Laundry-Mat. The only load that we put into the dryer (2 loads combined - what we don't dry) ended up getting black ink spots all over everything! Some things were OK. Most of our socks and underwear are now black almost grayish dirty polka-dotted. The real kicker, the one that made me ball and lay on the floor in the warm clothes (this was when we were in the apartment, not in the Laundry-Mat, thank god) and cry over my jeans. Pickle even commented on how I had a lot of jeans in there. MY JEANS! Pickle's jeans don't get dried because she is scared they will shrink, but I dry mine because I have to many and they seem to turn out OK. But now, 4 pairs of them and 1 other pair of pants have been ruined.

I know that it is silly to get this upset about clothing--jeans--material possessions, but really, they are my favorite things and they are all designer. I usually got them off price, but they each had their own story. So now, I mourn the ones that have been lost. Some pairs will be thrown away and others will be saved for weekends since their spots aren't as bad. If you find this trivial, it is. I admit that this shouldn't be one of the things I am thinking about today, but DAMN. My jeans!

1. Citizens of humanity

This one is funny. You see, I got this same pair for my birthday and I didn't want them because I already had them. Their hems were frayed because my special method of hemming where I replace the original bottom of the jeans got messed up. I got this very cheap at school at the best store ever. deals and steals. They were unique because of the bold greenish h on the butt pockets. I only wore them on the weekends because of the ratty bottoms. But now, they are beyond repair. RIP, my pretty.

2. seven boycut

I got these in Tahoe with my mom at one of our favorite stores that is now closed. The lady who owned the store showed us how to do the hem trick with the original bottom so that they didn't look hemmed. This was one of the few that were full price. They are unique because instead of solid gold singular stitch on the butt pockets, they are two skinny gold stitches with denim in the middle of the swoosh. I got these about 3 or 4 years ago and they were perfect. They always fit, even with weight changes. I also looked much better in them than this girl to the left. I don't remember how bad these were because of the state of shock I was in last night. Probably a RIP.

3. joe's jeans sparkle star

I got these for my 21st birthday last year. I don't know what they are actually called, but there are two rhinestone swoops on each butt pocket with a star at the bottom. They were beautiful. The black spots aren't bad on these, but the few that are on them are in unfortunate spots. Luckily, they never did fit very well and I only wore them occasionally so to the weekend jeans pile they go.

4. True Religion Skinny

These are my newest pair of jeans. I haven't been able to buy jeans in a very long time so it was quite special when I bought these at the beginning of the summer. They are skinny jeans, which is really trendy right now and I could actually pull off because I am so small. I hemmed these in my special way and they are the best. I got them at a sample sale. Here in NY. They were $199 jeans that I got for $67. The best deal I've had. I have another pair of True Religions, but they aren't the same cut and seem so passe compared to the new skinny fit.

*5. J. Crew khakis. These are beyond ruined. They were a last minute addition to the wash. I wore these pants yesterday and Pickle suggested that I add them. Brand new petite khakis from the J. Crew outlet/factory store that we went to after Labor Day on our way home from Pickle's cabin. I had never owned a pair of J. Crew khakis until that pair. Worn twice, and lost to the death of the evil black ink in the dryer.

Oh! Will we ever be able to go to this Laundry Mat again? It is so close to our apartment, but if there is mysterious black ink in the dryer, then I don't know what we will do. I even checked before I put the clothes in because I found a crayon in the wash. Luckily, we did the wash on cold so the crayon didn't melt and get to more of the clothes first. It was grey. The clothes are tinted a similar shade from the black spots. Grey underwear, and not the kind that is heathered, is just kind of sad.

"I win the day!"

2006-10-02T10:54:00.000-04:00

This was Pickle, Saturday morning, jumping into her "I'm ready" stance. Yes, she was overcome with joy because a NY times actually appeared in front of our door that morning, and she was also having a good weekend because it was an anniversary, but I think that pretty much sums it up. We had such an amazing weekend that Pickle felt she had, in fact, won the day as a prize.

Friday was our anniversary dinner at al di la (the wine bar part since we couldn't get into the restaurant) with appetizers at beso prior. We went to beso because we had to kill time waiting for al di la and because we have always wanted to go based on its name. We ask each other for besos since passing the restaurant one day this summer.

After Pickle announced that she won the day Saturday we went to brunch, joined the Y, and went to the Cooper-Hewitt for free. The featured exhibit was on silverware and I didn't appreciate the intricate design features of silverware until then. Very cool. I knew silverware could be designed a certain way, obviously, but I never would have thought of how vast of a category for design 'silverware' is. We ordered fresh direct since they sent us $25 worth of free money for 2 orders on Saturday as well. I love internet shopping so much. I do it for a large portion of each day I am at work. I guess I technically love internet browsing, though. However, I've never thought of the joy that shopping for groceries online would bring me. Normally, food shopping makes me anxious, but this blissful-get-exactly-what-you-want service is the answer to all my problems. After we received our order on Sunday, we ordered the rest of what we needed to come today with $25 more free. We love it. While we waited for the fresh direct delivery, we also made delicious blueberry muffins with crumble topping.

Saturday night was also a very sad night because I broke one of my birthday presents. Of course, I get 5 beautiful glass candlesticks from Pickle. Modern, clear, beautiful, and bubbly. I broke my favorite one. I don't want to talk about it.

On Sunday we didn't get our NY Times since Pickle didn't win Sunday, only Saturday, but we did go to used bookstores and the fish market on 7th and then...we went to our new gym at the Y! They have TVs! They have everything I want! I am ready to take my pilates class on Tuesday. They even have classes called "punk rope" and funk/hip-hop dance, which I am sure I will like.

Oh, and we also finished the second to last season of Queer, and the rest of the extras of Lost, so we are ready for the new show on Wednesday! I just ate the last muffin, and although I am sad to see it go, it was delicious and I am excited for my fresh direct lunch and 2nd order than will arrive tonight.

Happy 10 years

2006-09-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

One year ago, we met today. From our first meeting, no one would have guessed we would be celebrating an anniversary. To be able to get to such a special place from that is amazing and it makes it feel like it really was 10 years ago since I can't imagine not going to a bar with you and making out on a pool table anymore. Well, we don't do that every time we go to a bar, but still.

I thought you cute and let you share my barstool. You couldn't remember my name. Dancing when no one else was dancing and figuring out we were the same size and fit together perfectly. Asking what my name was for the 12th time before our faces got so close that you just had to kiss me. I knew going home with a strange girl who couldn't remember my name was a good idea! Look where it got me.

Look what it got me, too.

Pretty, huh? Matches my circle tattoo, too. (psst...Pickle, I was able to get it off the left wrist and get it on the right one...) There are some real diamonds in there, too--"sparkle dust," my favorite!

You are something like perfect. I can't describe how lucky I am to have you in my life and wake up next to you every day. The only things I can ever think of are cliched and general. I wish I could articulate my feelings better. I love you, Pickle. Happy Anniversary.

cupcake.

2006-09-27T14:49:00.000-04:00

Whew. I have been so busy at work, I haven't had any time to write about my birthday weekend! Recapping my birthday seems hard and like it was a very long time ago since it was such a break from the routine. I had Monday off as well, which significantly contributes to this feeling.

Well, it was great. No Olive the pug, but lots of other great things. All week my mountain of pink and silver presents were beaming at me from the window, just torturing me. The anticipation was so good; now it is so, so disappointing that it's over. My parents got me the three presents I asked for. A sweater, silver ballet flats, and new jeans. The jeans were not quite what I wanted since I already had the same pair which is one with a unique butt design, so I really only need one in my life. The idea was to get a more basic, but still my favorite brand, in a size bigger. The ones that came were the right size, the same size as the other ones. I am quite difficult and picky about the jeans, as everyone should know. But, mom said I can exchange them for whatever other ones I want and that she'll pay the difference, which is nice. My brother got me a Targ*t giftcard, but when I went to use it on Monday, there turned out to be no money on it! So I put my purchases back, called my mom to complain and she simply responding by asking why I didn't just put the items on her credit card that sits in my wallet untouched. This never would have occurred to me and I was very frustrated that I would have to mail it back and wait for it to return. I have gotten so used to my independent adult life, I completely forgot that their credit card was there, let alone an option for such a circumstance.

My Pickle did the best job with the presents. They were coordinated pink and silver, like I mentioned, and she had rubbed on silver transfers saying Happy Birthday, and my name on the pink ones with silver letters. On Saturday morning before my Birthday, in bed, I got to open one present. It was a case for my nano! The very case that protects all parts of the nano and you can still use all the functions with. Saturday Pickle baked cupcakes (vanilla with vanilla, my favorite) which is an impressive gesture because Pickle hates cake. hates. it. I went to Forev*r 21, my favorite store ironically, since I am no longer be 21 and was going there for my last 21-year old shopping trip for a $12 birthday top. I knew that the only store I could find a party top for $12 was FEver 21...Pickle cleaned the house while I shopped. We got ready for dinner and were joined by my sister, brother-in-law, and 2 friends. We were expecting more people to show up (3 more!) but they didn't. I was disappointed since they left us under the distinct impression that they would be joining us and frankly, it is just plain rude since we had a table for 9 or whatever. After dinner was champagne and cupcakes which got an additional friend, but lost my sister and BIL. 2 bottles of champagne, many sprinkled cupcakes later, the 4 of us were ready to go out! And we got as "out" as 4 blocks from home. One friend lost her cellphone (it was actually at our house) and her jacket, Pickle left her credit card at the bar where she had a tab open (the last place we were at), and I threw up. I thought it was a great birthday! It is also possible that I lost my keys, but I am pretty sure I didn't bring them out at all and they are lost in the house somewhere. The keys are still missing and I have called the bars already and they are still lost. I really really don't want to change the locks. It would be so expensive and that is the only way since we can't make a copy of our front door key since it is that special security kind where you just have to change the locks. So annoying. Well, since I haven't gotten sick from drinking in a while, if any time were appropriate, my 22nd certainly was!

Sunday I opened the rest of my presents and we went to brunch and had taco night! The other presents were from Pickle, and I got 5 glass candlesticks from cb2 that are different bubble-looking like things, but 2 of them match in case we want formal ones. She got me a janet cd (I had to return since I had it, but that was OK) and I also got a new polka-dot strand bag and the best present of all--a real coffeetable book on my favorite artist Elizabeth Peyton!
On Sunday we went to celebratory brunch, Pearl R*very Mart to buy a Wok and cheap decorative bowls, and Beacon's Closet for cheap jewelry. A birthday day well spent!

Now, I am back to adult life where Pickle and I are working on cutting down on our drinking. It is a strange transition since everyone drinks every night in college. Or at least, all of us did by the end. I don't want to change the habit of having 1 cocktail after work + a bottle of wine with dinner, but usually that is the minimum and I know it would be better for us and save us money, but at the same time, we buy our wine for $3 at TJ's, so not much and also, we don't really go out so it is my compensation. But I know we should, I just don't want to. Do I really need to worry about health that much? I quit smoking, for goodness sake! Therefore, I should be entitled to drink as much as I want. It is usually the case, too. But, then, when I ask Pickle if I can have another, she always says yes because there's no good reason to say no since I can most certainly make sure I can go to work in the morning by myself, and because we don't have anyone to moderate us. That is the thing about being an adult. No one is here to tell you to moderate. There aren't any rules! Mwah hah hah! I can do whatever I want and I think (to a certain extent) I should be able to enjoy that new freedom for a while before I have to make so many rules just for myself and for the fact of making rules. I'm rambling and not making much sense, but it just seems silly that at 22 (barely!) I should be so worried about drinking too much. It seems like everyone else is encouraging me to be 22 and that I have much more time to worry so much.

great start

2006-09-22T11:29:00.000-04:00

I was a bad girl yesterday. There was a company "town meeting" held in an auditorium at the Met and I didn't go. I just left at lunch after advising everyone how to take the subway there, with the assumption that I had an errand and would get there on my own. I left at 12:30 to go home and do laundry. There was a good reason, at least. I did all the laundry and Pickle came home early because she had her eyes dialated and was useless at work, so it was extra fun hooky afternoon. I felt like such a bad girl. I smoked lots of pot and drank rum and cokes in between loads of laundry (with the rum that I stole from a house party a couple of weekends ago--I don't know why I stole it. I don't even like rum that much, but Pickle told me to and I just kinda listened and did.) Heh. I did that instead of going to listen to some boring presentation by a bunch of higherups in my company trying to inspire us and captivate the connections (!). At least I did the laudnry. Pickle convinced me to go to our favorite PS Ale House for happy hour beers and .30 cent wings. More bad girl activities. I am proud of myself and I think this is a great start to a great celebretory birthday weekend!

short post

2006-09-20T10:04:00.000-04:00

I'm finally busier. New account, new tv calendar quarter. Lots of calls and work. But it's better. I like dealing with people and solving problems. Solving the problems is the best part. Also being demanding and bossy when people don't do things they are supposed to on time. I like my job because I can be very much in control. I don't often feel in control. I am most often overwhelmed and therefore feeling out of control. I don't mind skipping the gossip blogs.

My birthday is soon. I'm pretty excited. I'm not as excited as in the past. Now, I am a grown up and 22 isn't anything special. 18, 19, 20, 21 all seemed extra special. Well, maybe not 19, but still. I want presents like you can't even believe. I am so spoiled when it comes to presents. So I am excited for them and my weekend.

sacrifices and bliss

2006-09-14T11:39:00.000-04:00

I had to miss PRW last night. It was a sacrifice I made for Pickle's comfort. She didn't want to go to a party because we would have to walk or take a bus back to our house late at night. She didn't feel safe. I think this is mostly due to the grossest man ever commenting on her behind last week as we were walking in the dark. He got really close and started saying very inappropriate things about what he'd want to do. I couldn't do anything about it and by the time I realized what was going on (in true oblivious-in-her-own world Nat fashion), it was too late and we were inside at our destination.

I am not very upset about missing the TV show and for the first time in a relationship, I don't feel like she owes me something because I made a sacrifice for her. This is a very big deal for me. I have entitlement issues. I was there to comfort her when she worked herself into a tizzy about safety to the point where she didn't want to leave the house. I was there and I didn't even mind. We got to go bed early because of this and for that, I am in a way grateful. So, Pickle, don't feel bad. This is what a relationship consists of. I don't mind the small sacrifices anymore. I am happy to be in a place where I feel comfortable and not resentful. I can see the bigger picture better than usual.

************************************

Now, I must interrupt with the best creation ever invented. The other night I was craving chocolate and peanut butter. Everyone suggested a Re*ce's, but I said that I wanted something where the chocolate tasted less artificial. Newm*n's peanut butter cups were mentioned, but they were far away and expensive. BUT we found this. The perfect combo of chocolate and peanut butter that doesn't taste artificial, but blissful. Ah.

wrinkling my nose

2006-09-13T15:26:00.000-04:00

I feel out of sorts. I am frusterated and overwhelmed by the smallest things. Although the gym obstacle is proving to be difficult and stressful, I am taking it worse than usual. Work today also feels worse than usual since I forgot my book that I have been reading to take up the time at my desk. (One can only surf the internet aimlessly for so long.) I was about to finish it which really irks me. Getting healthy is something I know I should do. I even was excited about the last, highly out of our budget gym. I enjoyed using the machines. I was in much better spirits and headache free when I tried this gym compared to the 1st "bare-bones" gym we tried. At that gym, I couldn't find the 3 machines I like to use because there are so many thrown into the middle in no organized way that I could figure out. Anyway, it has gotten to be such a wrinkle my nose subject that I don't see the point in trying any of them out at all. As soon as I was finally enjoying the gym, I have to face the fact that I might not even have enough money to join a gym at all, cheap or fancy. $50/month seems like too much and I don't think I can budget it. I also don't know if I'd make time for it and get $50/month out of it. This makes me cranky. I am very cranky. Why should exercising in an indoor environment cost me so much. Perhaps in the scheme of things, that isn't that much, but I have seriously been struggling with my spending. It seems like there haven't been that many superfluous purchases lately, but yet I am still dipping into the nest egg until I am paid in 2 days. I don't want to think about the gym possibilites or talk about them right now. Not at work. I would propose to discuss them at home, but even then I don't want to talk about it. I want to wait until after my birthday, but I don't know what good that will do. I just don't want to deal with it!

Maybe I am so bored that I am finding things to be cranky about to entertain myself and expend some energy...I still have a headache and am generally in a nose-wrinkling mood.

this is only the beginning

2006-09-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Apparently, I messed up at work once again. The only time I seem to mess up here is whenever the person that I cover for is out and some vague, "how was I supposed to know?" little thing comes up and I act on intuition or what I usually do and go ahead and cause the company money. Yes. She had to mention money when she told me what I did wrong...boo.

Last night at a birthday dinner for my brother-in-law, his mom asked me lots of questions about my job and I really couldn't say anything good about it, but that shouldn't mean I'm not happy. Work is work was my response, and I try so hard to remember that every day. It is hard because I feel like my family and those around me had such high expectations of me finding the job right after graduating and therefore I have disappointed myself in not getting something that is exactly what I want to be doing right now. I just want to do this for a little while and have everyone shut up about it. I really, honestly, don't know what to say when I am asked how work is. "Eh." is all I have to say and really feel about the matter. Surviving here and breaking myself free from so many habits and routines is good for me. I can still be fine. I don't need to excel at how I am able to house and feed myself with an average lifestyle. I am just fine being average. Someday I will figure out exactly what I want and go for it, but for right now I just need to settle in.

On another note, I hate how the French Vanilla coffee at work is exponentially lighter than French Roast is. Just because its flavored coffee doesn't mean it should be weak coffee!

Moby

2006-09-08T11:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to Pickle's co-worker's house for happy hour wine. I got to meet all the youngsters that she works with and most importantly got to meet Moby the pug. Moby was a great pug, with a good personality and so. much. energy. He raced around and around the apartment, so excited with all the guests. He liked me, too. He is only about 7 months old, so he is still a busy puppy. It was so exciting to drink wine, eat yummy snacks and hang out with a young pug all at the same time. Oh yeah, and my Pickle and her friends. I talked to Moby's owner about how much I want one and how I had to wait a while to get one.

As we were leaving, she mentioned a lady who lives around the corner who is looking to get rid of her girl pug puppy. This lady has a 12 year old something-terrier (small) and the two don't get along so she has decided to give the pug away. She is about 6 months old and Moby's mom was considering adopting her, but wasn't sure. I told her I was very interested. I told her to give the lady's number to Pickle so that I could see it right away. Her name is Elle or Ella and I think that sounds close enough to Olive that we could re-name her my dream pug name. She had someone looking at her the other day, so I hope she doesn't get adopted before I get a chance. I am seriously considering this. Although I always wanted to raise an Olive from puppyhood, the advantages of adopting a 6 month old one seem to be greater and greater. She is probably already trained, fixed, and up to date on her shots. That means I would just have to re-budget to feed her and I have the money from selling my car, my savings, to pay for any medical issues that would arise (god forbid.) I think this sounds like a reasonable idea and Pickle might even be leaning towards it, too. We have discussed holidays and a stay at the Brooklyn Dog Ha*s is only $35/ night, which isn't as bad as I thought. And if I waited the time I am supposed to wait, we would have to deal with next year's Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't have very many vacation days, anyway. I really really hope that this can work out. I think this would be perfect. An already trained (hopefully and probably) girl pug?!?!!!!!

bad girl

2006-09-06T14:49:00.000-04:00

The last couple of mornings my pants have been too tight. More pairs than usual. Pickle and I swear we are going to try another trial at a new gym sometime before the weekend is over. We did a good amount of hiking/walking over our labor day, so I wonder why they are tighter than last week. Today, my pants are just barely fitting. They are so tight it is hurting where my leg bends at the hip to sit. Last night I put on some jeans to go to the grocery store and nearly suffocated. This is not OK. I love those jeans. I could care less about the work pants because those don't matter as much to me. But, the jeans!

I am a bad girl today because after all my discomfort sitting here at work, I didn't eat my apple. I usually eat it with peanut butter. Sometimes I steal it from the downstairs cafeteria since it is out for free (assuming you are buying something, which I am not) or sometimes I bring it in a tupperware. Today I did neither and convinced myself that in order to fit back into my pants I need to eat it by itself.

Yesterday at the grocery store was the first time in my entire life (I'm pretty sure about this) that I convinced myself not to buy/eat something for health reasons. Cheez-its were 2/$5 and I got excited thinking that I should stock up and buy 2 boxes at such a deal. Then, I reasoned with myself that perhaps I shouldn't get any at all because it is unnecessary fat and they aren't good for me, blah, blah, blah. Then, I compromised and bought one box (you still got the $2.50 sale price even with just one) and decided that I should try to make it through twice as long as I am used to on it. I think usually I eat approximately 1 box a week, so perhaps I should cut down since I am not exercising, let alone moving during the day.

Because of all these bad feelings about my weight gain I decided to go outside during lunch and just walk around. It was a nice day and I should go outside at least once. Normally, I don't. I stay inside for lunch and don't venture out for anything much. I found myself wandering up Broadway and oops, there I was at the gap. At this point, I was hot because of the decision to wear a light sweater this morning with nothing underneath, so the a/c seemed like a nice break for my aimless wandering. Then I saw the windows. Audrey. Everywhere. I had no idea their new ad campaign had Audrey Hepburn in it! The greatest style icon! The blacks called to me and the ballerina flats sang my name! Then, I found myself in the dressing room with 3 pairs of black pants. Different sizes, and different Audrey styles. Well, since none of my pants fit, I thought I should see if the next size up would be better. And then I had to have them. Perfect little skinny legged black dress pants. Now, I have needed new black dress pants and we looked for them at the outlets this weekend, but only Pickle found some. So, I bought them today. I'm a bad bad girl. They weren't even on sale! But, that is all I bought and I am very happy with the purchase (I mean, Audrey pants! They are even called Audrey pants!) Last night I told myself I wasn't allowed to spend any more money on things that weren't necessities until next paycheck, and even then not much because I have a birthday coming up, but at $48 and room for my tummy, they were a steal. I don't even have to hem them.

But I am still a bad girl. Also a bad girl because my minute weight gain is nothing for most people. I am still a very small girl.

Gym. No more spending. Less cheez-its. Apples without peanut butter. (Also, I hate hate hate the taste of any sort of low-fat peanut butter, so its the real thing or nothing at all for me.)

grow up.

2006-09-05T17:00:00.000-04:00

I've been telling myself that a lot lately.

This weekend Pickle and I visited her Dad's side of the family in West VA. I've heard a lot about this place and was very anxious to see where some of her childhood memories and family get togethers have taken place. Also, to meet more family members. I had met her dad and stepmom before, but I have never gotten a very welcoming feeling from either of them, so I was very nervous to spend an entire long weekend together. Everything went fine, though in terms of family members. I had to get used to Dad and Uncle's joking and making fun of me and I had to learn to be a little less selfish. Although it was my vacation, it was everyone else's too. I hiked and walked in the rain and learned to play cards without hesitation. Even though they weren't my preferred or chosen activities, I managed to enjoy myself throughout. Pickles role as granddaughter/daughter was not what I anticipated. Her outgoing personality was stifled in this environment with competing characters. This led me to believe that she was ignoring me, treating me differently because we were around her family. Well, of course she had to treat me differently! There are grandparents involved! Numerous times during the weekend I found myself pouting over a lack of attention or affection from her and I really just need to get over my lack of self-confidence that I seem to slip so easily into.

Smith built up my confidence and stifled it at the same time. The stifling is due to an event last autumn and also the removal of the safe environment. I was confident at Smith, sure, in a bubble of liberal young women. Now, in the real world, its not so safe to be so confident.

I need to grow up in a variety of ways. For my own personal tally, I want to list them: confidence, money-budgeting, desire for fashion/expensive handbags/designers, health-sticking with quitting smoking and eating my vegetables, treatment of others and ability to make friends.

Now that I've listed them it seems like every aspect of my life right now. Why can't I suddenly have enough experience to be used to being around Pickle in her family setting? Or not want to be the trendiest on the subway? Or not still think the "cool" kids smoke? Or be able to say the right thing to me grieving sister and brother-in-law?I guess getting over and around and through all of these things will eventually take its course. I also know that everyone older than I might say a) enjoy this time. b) there is always more growing up and learning to do. c) none of my list is ever going to change (I might always want designer purses). Oh well, I just thought I would get some of my urges to grow up out of my head for a minute.

Now, I get to go be overwhelmed with a large grocery shopping trip. We are completely out of food. Also, we have to pay some bills. I wish I was oblivious enough to go ahead and not think of the future and focus on the now--spending all of my money on cigarettes, junk food, going out, and clothes (but probably not having cable or internet or live in PS)...

a better day

2006-08-31T11:41:00.000-04:00

I'm having a much better day especially since it is my Friday at work. I saw my sister who was acting very normal considering the circumstances which made me feel SO much better. Her and Wes were even telling morbid dead baby jokes. My favorite about the dyson, though. She answered all my questions and really settled all those crazy emotions I was having.Today I got paid, which is always nice. I am meeting Pickle's best co-worker friend for drinks after work since they have to kill time before their company dinner. I feel like I know her and she knows me already so it will be great to finally meet face-t0-dace. I'm also wearing a snazzy belt with a boom box buckle.

Oh, yeah, I didn't split my pants this morning and that's always a good way to begin the day.

the worst part

2006-08-30T15:46:00.000-04:00

Right now something Terrible is happening to my sister. In addition to all of my emotions I have had since yesterday, I forgot to mention the other terrible thing.

Saturday night I dreamt that my sister lost the baby in some sort of abortion-like way. Creepy. Except in the dream the baby was full sized and we had to hold it and mourn for it as if it was born. That's why I called to see my sister for brunch--to make sure she was OK. Of course, at brunch she was great. I didn't tell her about my dream at brunch because, well, at the time it just wouldn't have been nice. But, wow, scary timing. Maybe I'm a little bit psychic. Or not and it wasn't anything. I just thought I'd let that one off my chest. What if in some fucked up interconnected way, my dream did it? Killed the baby. I'm being ridiculous, sure, since I couldn't possibly have that much power, but it just makes me feel yucky.

********

In other news, I bust another pair of pants this morning. Funny, huh? Right at the seam by the zipper. I put on another and they were still too snug. I finally found a pair that fit and even then they seem to be pulling and having those wrinkles across the hips that my mother used to always tell me that meant something was too small there. They feel fine, though, and Pickle told me they didn't look bad. I am going to do cardio when we get back from our vacation because apparently, if you do cardio the fat goes away in the spots that it recently appeared. And because my fat is so little, it should go away with exercise and I will not suddenly have a new body-type.

********

Back to listening to sad songs and thinking of the drinks I am going to have when I get home. Also, the drinks I will bring my sister. I have been brainstorming presents to bring her and since she probably won't read this until much later I thought of things that she couldn't have if she was pregnant: alcohol (obviously an essential present), soft cheese, and caffeine. (I was planning on stealing a Diet C*oke from work since we have so freakin' many...one with caffeine, not the type they usually keep in their fridge.) I also thought of cigarettes, but I think she already has that covered and I just don't have the self-control to buy them and not smoke them as a FORMER SMOKER. (Just keep thinking "Even a puff will set me back. I worked so hard to do this. Remember how terrible the whole quitting ordeal was? You don't want to do that all again.)

Luckily, after our anniversary celebration and in light of the bad news last night, we went to the Broadway discount liquor warehouse near Astor Place (it was on the way to the subway!) and bought the biggest bottle of skyy vodka I have ever seen. I didn't even know they made this size. I thought they only got to the normal size. But oh no, they make handles (essentially, since I don't know how else to refer to it other than how the college kids call the plastic jugs) of the stuff. And boy oh boy was it a good deal.

taken.

2006-08-30T10:10:00.000-04:00

I am overwhelmed with emotions right now. This post is something that I just need to do and I don't know why since I don't necessarily want anyone reading it, I just feel as though I need to...I thought I was going to cry and throw up and scream as I walked to work this morning with the nano blaring angry music. And by angry music, it was just the yeah yeah yeahs.

In the middle of the celebration of our 11 month anniversary yesterday evening, the terrible news came. It may seem silly that we were celebrating an 11 month anniversary, but Pickle and I use any excuse to celebrate (i.e. go out) otherwise we really would just stay at home all the time if there wasn't an "occasion." Also, we celebrate months since they seem like years.

Those words from my sister have been echoing inside my head since then. I just can't get them to go away. "The baby's dead." Tormenting me and making me want to bang my head on the desk and yell "fuckshitFUCK....it's just not fair!" There is no one who deserves a baby more than my sister. I am so sad and sorry for her. Everything was so exciting just days before. Brunch on Sunday was so fun and well, all I have been feeling was excitement. As the sister I was simply excited. I wasn't worrying about raising a child, or paying for it, or any medical issues. I was just excited. And now the excitement has come crashing down. I hope writing this will make me feel a little better and let some of it out. But there is no way I will feel any better.

I asked Pickle if it was unusual to be this upset about something that was not directly happening to me. My hopes aren't crushed, but somehow I am so overly sympathetic it might seem a bit odd. She told me it was just fine to be so upset about this. I love her. It would be easier if I was still in MA or CA and hadn't seen the excitement every time I was with her. Picking out maternity clothes and watching her and Wes argue over how the penguin was going to get its snot taken care of and anticipating the great presents that they were going to receive and that I was going to get for them. This all could still happen. I don't know about the status of future attempts, but it was just so perfect.

Maybe I will feel better when I see her. That's why I am going to there as soon as I am off of work. I want to hold my sister and feel like it is OK to cry. But then again, I want to be strong and encouraging and optimistic and take her mind off of it and do whatever she wants to do and buy her presents and drink lots and lots. Maybe I should have dropped the anniversary celebration and gone directly there? At the time, I thought it would be better to give them time alone, and although I still think that, I just got an email from my mom asking if I saw her yesterday. That makes me feel guilty. This is the worst feeling. I haven't felt anything quite like this before. I know it must be so much worse for her, but this isn't the sort of thing you are used to coping with. I hope that everything settles in my head and my heart, but IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!!!!

But I don't want to workout!

2006-08-28T13:22:00.000-04:00

Pickle called to say she wanted to go try another gym tonight. She also complained about being fat. I tell you, I don't see it! I only see my tummy getting bigger, not hers. And by no means do I consider that getting fat. It just means that my clothes are a little more snug. The pants I am wearing today were a little loose when I started work in June. Now, it is almost Sept. and they definitely fit and are particularly tight at the waistband. My nice designer jeans that I have spent years collecting (since high school) have been weeded out to only the biggest pairs, which on some days are still to small for my tum.

I don't want to spend the time, money, or energy to work out. I just don't want to. I know I should. I know that in the long run of my life exercise should be included and what a better time to get into that routine than now, when I beginning adult life on my own. However, I just don't want to! I can't find dance classes that would be suitable to my taste, style or level of technique particularly since the ideal class would be a jazz level 4 at 7pm on weeknights. I miss that college dance department and the dance company I was in my last year. It was so accessible to stay in shape and I never felt like I was working out or getting too big for my pants.

OK, so the incentive are my jeans. My sevens, humanities, joe's and true religion...I love them all so much I could never let them go. Everyone else may not understand this incentive, but there is no other clothing item that I ever want, wear, or collect. And I am lucky to find any tangible incentive at all, right?

childhood dreams

2006-08-24T12:13:00.000-04:00

It's kinda one of those days. I feel restless and uninspired. I don't usually feel particularly inspired, but after a morning of reading my new guilty pleasure by Candace Bushnell, Lipstick Jungle, I wish I had taken a different career path. The book is about 3 extremely successful early 40's women who have accomplished their dreams with ease and grace. I despise and admire them simultaneously. One is the equivalent of Anna Wintour, the other is the president of a movie production company, and the other is a fashion designer. The fashion designer is really the one that makes me rethink my choices the most. She gains success at 18 and continues to grow as a prominent fashion designer until the latest fashion week when she finally has a poor review--at 42. Bushnell describes entering the fashion design and production business realistically and even though she is screwed over many times in her young age, I still wish I had chosen to follow my childhood dreams and pursue designing.

I know most people change their career at least 6 times in their life, but I don't even see how I can get into the fashion business from where I am at. It would take more than 6 steps, I am sure. Right now I wish I hadn't gone to Smith, which is ironic because usually I miss it more than anything. I wish I had tried F.I.T or Parsons or some other school. However, there is reality within that where very very few students actually become designers, let alone successful ones. But even then I could be some assistant somewhere and that might make me feel more inspired than this current position.

I looked online for graduate degrees that could lead me into the fashion world and there really aren't any. The only way would be to go back to undergrad and I don't think they let you do that. I just came from my very first staff meeting where it was announced that I will be handling a big account beginning Sept. 25. Network and Syndication for G**ette will keep me more occupied, which is great and exactly what I have been waiting for in my current job. I suppose I will keep dreaming and although I will most likely never come close to being a fashion designer maybe the opportunity for something perfect will arise later. I don't know what it would be, so the opportunity might just have to dawn on me some other time. Back to my fantasy world of the Lipstick Jungle...

didn't they learn?

2006-08-22T09:37:00.000-04:00

My co-workers are usually so loud. This morning many people are back from long vacations and instead of usual boisterous commentary, there is a lot of whispering. Talking about others behind their backs about what bad things people did when they were gone, I assume. It makes me so paranoid. I worry that they talk about me. Didn't they learn that whispering isn't nice? Because I am so new, I don't get anyone coming into my cube and gossiping with me, but I am glad because I don't want to take any part of it. Hmph.

I miss college

2006-08-21T09:58:00.000-04:00

I am a facebook addict. I love to see what people are doing and especially like to see recently updated profiles. I get so deeply lost in it, I end up looking at 130 pictures that include my former best friend Megan. I know she won't find this or read it, so I can go ahead and talk about her openly. I miss her. I miss college. I really miss having such close friends. Literally. It was so easy to see everyone. We would call for a Tues./Wed. night dinner and I could see at least 4 of them, even if everyone didn't show. We had novelty hat nights and played drinking games and smoked lots of pot, and from the pictures, were always so happy. It is so hard to keep in touch with those friends. In particular, with Megan. Last time I talked to her, she was in Williamsburg visiting a friend from home who often goes back there. (i.e. she had seen her a lot this summer and hadn't seen me) It was a work night and I couldn't get from Park Slope to Williamsburg easily just to go to a bar. We haven't talked since then. It pains me. We are both equally stubborn so neither of us has sucked it up to call the other. In my mind, she could have tried to catch up with me earlier in the evening, but I know in her mind she made the effort to come all the way to NY so I should have gone to Williamsburg. No one can win. I feel like I've lost her. I facebook messaged her that I missed her and told her I was scheduling a phone call. I need to call her before other former best friend arrives on Wed. for a job interview. However, the other former best friend's last visit was less than stellar and I still am swelling on the nasty things she said about my relationship with Pickle and how I had to defend said relationship. Anyway, I get so anxious about calling her, but I have to remind myself that we were friends for a reason and it should be fine once I do it. But then I put it off. Maybe tomorrow.

I work at a loony bin.

2006-08-17T14:55:00.000-04:00

It is kind of incredible how loud my co-workers are. We are an all female team and most of us are pretty quiet, but then there are the loud ones. They aren't just loud, they're screaming across the cubicles and crying and clapping and throwing things loud. I can't believe it. One claims she wants to quit while the other tells her she can't do all of the work for her. Diagonally across the corners of the 2 rows of cubes. The yelling. The crying. Wow. And in the midst of this all, a small cute unfamiliar woman snakes between our cubes. She is so timid and scared. And she should be. She steps up and hands me a postcard. All it says is to save the date for Thurs. Sept. 21 for an event. There are some recognizable famous artwork in circular puzzle pieces. I hope they don't make us do more mandatory company bonding in god awful heat again.

In other news, I got some shoes for my nano. Hehe. Just kidding. That's what Pickle thought I said on the phone. I actually got some shoes from 'nana (Republic.) I have wanted them all summer long and they finally went on sale. I tried to find cheaper ones at DSW with my sister last week, but no such luck. On this trip, upon every pair I pulled out, she said something like: "But they're so shiny..." or "Don't you have ones like that already?" or my favorite:"But they're gold!"

Those are probably the only three things I shop for: shiny, glittery, gold OR something similar to what I already have! Well, at last the perfect shoes went on sale and they just got delivered. When I ordered them on the phone (online wasn't working) the woman said "what a deal!" after she processed my transaction and gave me my grand total. Yessssssss. They are the most perfect espedrille wedges.

I eat the equivalent of my body weight in crap at work

2006-08-16T14:16:00.000-04:00

I really do. There are so many tempting and deliciously crappy and bad for me and my teeth foods here, it is unbelievable. The unlimited supply of a certain company's soda and all of their strange flavored alternative products is really something that sets all that flossing I have been doing back quite a bit. I try to floss twice a day after evil dentist told me "it's all in your head." And then there are the M*Ms. The receptionist for the other company on my floor has a little basket of fun size packs. Peanut are my favorite. You have to walk by the receptionist's desk to get to the ladies' room. I usually pick up 3-5 mini packs a day. I don't always eat them all, though! Sometimes there are also things I don't like, like M*lkyW*y and Sn**kers. For some unknown reason I don't like them. Thank god. The M*M supply is really unpredictable so one must stock up. Plus, because of the soda and coffee consumption, plus all those mini waters, I probably go to the bathroom 8 times. But, the candy is only refilled in the afternoon. Oh, gosh, I'm silly. No wonder I am busting my pants!

Actually, on a completely contrary note, Pickle and I are going to try a trial week at... are you ready....
THE GYM!
Yes, we get a trial week and we thought it might be fun to work out together. This is probably only going to happen this first and only time. I want to try at least one class. But I have pumped myself up (haha) to get excited about the elliptical and ab machines, which I do kind of enjoy so maybe I can continue eating my body weight in crap at work and NOT bust my pants.

P.S. There have been some other extremely ahem, snug, waistbands that I have come across since pants busting day. It is quite uncomfortable to sit all day with a waistband digging in. My little tummy needs room to breathe.

Oooh, also, I am paused at level 11 on BeJewled! Go me! I have WAY too much free time in front of the computer.

my neighborhood

2006-08-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

my neighborhood. mine. not someone's who used to poo-poo Brooklyn.

I should not have to deal with seeing my ex on the train in the morning on my way to work. Especially on the train that I only go 2 stops on! I was reading my book and all the sudden I felt someone unusually close to me. Awkward. Awkward hug. She is just so awkward.

"Actually, you live closer to me than your sister. C told me..."

WHAT?!?! How do you know where I live? Why do you care where I live? I am living with my pickle, have moved on, and I want you out of my life and my neighborhood!

I am mad at C for telling her where I live and telling her she is coming this weekend. We better not have to hang out with her. C will get a good talking to. I will not hang out with her. Goddamn it, why is the young lesbian/Smith/Park Slope world so efffing small!!!!!!!!

a present

2006-08-09T15:49:00.000-04:00

I lost my last post, but the gist of it is that when Pickle gets home from her business trip she is brining me a present:

an ipod nano!!!!

Her company is giving everyone one with their company name enscribed on the back and since she likes her big ipod that can hold so much Broadway, she wants to give the nano to me.

what is this?

2006-08-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

how do you tell your partner you probably gave them an std?

even though it isn't really an std...

how do you cope with your own physical pain and reassure them that it's not that bad?

how do you talk yourself out of the scary c-word and not make a big deal of it in front of them?

how is there an std where protection doesn't work?

how do i keep myself from crying at work because of the yucky feeling in my tummy intensified by trying to tell Pickle, who is away on business for 8 days, that she might have to go through the same thing?

how do i do all of this when even the doctors don't really know what it is?

what is this? i hate it.

terrible no good yucky

2006-08-08T12:12:00.000-04:00

I am feeling the worst type of cramps I have ever experienced. You see, I had to go to the gyno this morning and get my cervix biopsied. This was the most unpleasant thing. ever. The good news is that my new young female doctor with a sort of south african accent (I'm pretty sure) was very good. She talked me through the whole thing and before we started told me all about the procedure and even drew diagrams about how many more steps I would have to go to cancer, etc. The cancer word did scare me, though, but she reassured me that because I am a young non-smoker (!), my body should be able to get rid of the HPV on its own. She seemed to think there was far too many rumors surrounding HPV and the early onset of cervical cancer, which reassured me a lot since she even mentioned the evil "Tell Someone" Pap Smear commercials. Which I hate because they make me think I already have cancer. I AM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT and getting it taken care of, but really, I can't do anything about it now. HPV just has to go away on its own and you can't do anything about it!

I immediately felt a cramp when she did the last biopsy and it only worsened as I walked from the Dr. to work. I bought myself a large McDonald's iced coffee, though as a treat. You see, I don't really like McDonald's, but they were giving them out free recently and they were pretty good since they had the right amount of milk and sugar to my liking. Also, I can get a large for 1.96 and don't have to spend too much money on my coffee treat like some other establishments that are right in my building. So now I am back at work and quite pleased I got to come in at noon because of my procedure and I even got to sleep in an extra hour! I could have slept more since the doctor's office was running so late with all the pregnant ladies around. It made me happy to think that my sister will be one of those ones peeing every 20 minutes quite soon!

So now I have to deal with these yucky cramps from my cervix being violated and wear a pad, which I NEVER wear since I can't violate it anymore with a tampon and I am bleeding from the violation. I don't like this one bit. I am glad I am wearing my cute vintage lacoste pink dress so there is no waist band to dig into the crampiness. Oh well, I guess I have to finish my work day. I should have taken the rest of the day off because all I want to do is lay down, but I purposely picked my doctor because of its proximity to work. At least I have my iced coffee.

color wars

2006-08-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

So, I prepared my kelly-green team t-shirt during Project Runway and was ready for color wars. I was even excited. I bounced while waiting for the train that morning with Pickle. I couldn't stop smiling because a) I didn't have to be inside all day b) I got to wear flip-flops, a beater(kelly green,of course), and shorts and c) I didn't have to be at work!!!

I arrived right on time to find my team around a conference table. I didn't know anyone, obviously. I recognized one young lady who started the same day I did and we had orientation together, but she didn't notice me. I started chatting with the girl next to me, who also didn't know anyone and found out she was new, newer than I was, and was only 23 and an '05 grad from some college I forgot. I lost her in transit to the buses and thus, sat alone. The girl I recognized and her friend sat across me and all she said was, "Hey. Can we put our bags in your extra seat. We're kinda cramped." I looked at their ginormous beach bags and nodded. One of them was the standard designer Longchamp nylon bag that I have a smaller version of, but in bright purple (hers was black, like everyone has...They aren't that designer...i.e. OK to bring to the beach, IMO), but the other Hawaiian printed floral canvas one, which I thought was kind of ugly, was of course Kate Spade New York. Hmph. I looked at it more closely and noticed the nice leather handles and the cute bow, but ultimately, it was ugly and not like any other Kate Spade item I have ever seen. Anyway, I got irritated by that and the fact that no one talked to me and I lost my first friend from the conference room. So, I went to sleep.

We arrived at 11:05 at Rye Playland. It was. so. hot. so. so. hot. I was now wearing my team t-shirt with everyone else and all the other young women's shirts seemed to be creatively altered in better ways than mine and I instantly regretted wearing my tank under it. Oh well. As soon as we found the entrance, we were ushered into a covered pavilion with picnic tables where breakfast was. It said that it was served until 11, but they waited for the buses, thank god. We all stood in line to mostly get water. I took 4 and put them in my kelly green bag. (I had to match!) They were mini, also. Stupid! Then we had to gather with our team flag. I got under the kelly green one. Turns out, that was the hunter green team and we had the light, seafoam flag. Our team was immediately changed to "light green" and our kelly green identity was taken away. I think our identity confusion was the reason behind our loss.

We were paraded around the beach so that we all had a certain spot. Oh, yeah, there was a hired set of refs who were very serious about our color wars and who were uniformed and miked. They had quite a sound system and quite a music selection and quite the variety of games. They were very serious and very organized about the whole thing. First, tug of war. 10 from each team, at least 2 female. We started out pretty good, got to the quarter finals, but then lost. Oh well. Note, by this time, everyone had already sweated through our clothes and the sand was sticking.

Then, we had the events. Where there was some complicated rotation system and we had 5 events. The first, where we really excelled as a team was parachute ball or something. We had to make this big beach ball thing go around the parachute in a circle. We got one point for each complete rotation around the parachute in 2 min. Or something. Then there was this weird thing with one person wearing a flipper facing backwards who had to kick a stuffed fish behind him and then the person waiting had to catch it with a frying pan. Weird. Then, there was the bucket with the holes in the bottom that you filled with water from the ocean and had to pass over 10 people's heads and fill the end bucket and run back to the water. I didn't participate in those. Then, there was "funky feat" where you strapped big foam feet to yours and had to hold them with ropes and go around cones. I had to do this one and my little feet didn't stay on the foam feet very well and I think I really made the team suffer. Then there was a soccer event with cones, a goal, and a giant soccer ball. I also opted out of this one. Finally, the water balloon toss and only 7 teams of 2 from each team could compete so I didn't get chosen. Instead, the remaining team members and I went up to lunch early for hamburgers and beer. Oh, please note, during the whole competition I consumed water like it was my job. I was preparing for the afternoon beer drinking.

I asked 2 kelly green team girls if I could sit with them for lunch and they agreed. One of them said she didn't want beer (didn't drink it or something?!?) and the other, my new and future BFF, got in the beer line with me. I liked her immediately when she went up there and ordered 2. For herself. I was not as daring until later when she egged me on. By this time, I was so hot I didn't even notice anymore. The rest of the afternoon was to be the lip synch contest and the award presentation. (Limbo and Beer Pong were cancelled due to the heat). My new BFF and I got back in the beer line, which was soooo long. 550 people, 1 beer stand, median age of participants=26. We got back in the beer line because we spotted the other kelly green friend from the conference room and she was waiting in it with some other girls. Also note, when I say girls, I mean girls. Everyone I saw looked my age, about 22. (I'm really 21, but I just let people assume '06 grad=22.) The other girls were red team and they said they were just standing in the line for ice cream. New BFF and I looked at them confused. Her, with her 2 empty cups waiting to be refilled. Why stand in line for the ice cream? You could just go around and cut. No one was waiting for the ice cream, just the beer, silly. These girls were a trip.

"Oh, hm, ha, should I get a beer. Oh, do they have light? Beer and ice cream? Oh, wow..." I do not relate to girls like that. After they scurried away to get their ice cream, they came back and 2 of them decided they could "splurge" and get a beer. The rest went to smoke. Hm. Oh well, new BFF and I had no problem taking their spot in the beer line. HA. Oh, new BFF also despised cigarettes and when I told her I had recently quit, she genuinely was congratulatory. She told me she was glad she could stay in line with me. :) We did not participate in the lip synch contest. We sat in the shade drinking and eating and eating and drinking and gossiping about how up-tight some girls were. I found out she was from Georgia (!), was an '04 grad and lived in Tribeca. That was really all I needed to know. We were bound by our matching kelly green beaters and a lack of bikini and a disregard for the sweat and sand. She had taken part in the bucket contest and was, thus, soaked. We decided that we would take the first bus back at 3:15 and happily stood in line finishing our last beers and giggling.

All in all, I had a nice time. I didn't get sun-burnt or dehydrated. I made a friend who is on the 12th floor, who I probably will never see again unless we run into each other in the elevator. And I think I realized that just because you look cool with your fancy designer Kate Spade bag does not mean that you are cool, fun, or nice. In fact, it means that you are up-tight, snobby, and care too much about what people think.

Tonight I get to see my dad's reaction to my sister being preggo. YES!

AND, I think I am meeting Pickle at our favorite hot spot, TGI Friday's (soooo cheap happy hour), so I don't have to go back to Brooklyn between work and our dinner reservation!

I feel like a dork

2006-08-02T14:19:00.000-04:00

This morning I got dressed and thought I looked quite nice. Black tailored skirt, short-sleeved white button-up, black peep-toe low heels. Walking down the street I got more looks than usual with my professional/porn secretary look since I was wearing a black skirt that stops just above my knees with heels. That wasn't so bad. Once I got to work I instantly regretted my fashion decision as soon as I first went to the bathroom. The floor that I am on has an overwhelming number of young employees for G*****l M****s and they all wear their flowy skirts, tanks, and platforms. I look like a freak compared to them. I am in a position where no clients or any important people see me and so I very well could wear my nice designer jeans everyday, but I dress for work so that I look older and hopefully get treated with more respect. Maybe I should stop this and wear whatever is the trendiest in my closet so I don't feel so dorky every time I go to the bathroom!! I just got a glance as I was tucking my shirt into my skirt a bit further after washing my hands from someone who isn't that much older than me (although she was wearing something that looked like it was meant for 16 year old Urban Outfitters girls.) Hmph. I can't beat em and I can't join em.

To top it off, I have to participate in mandatory company bonding tomorrow at some amusement park/Playland where "Color Wars" will be taking place. This is a mandatory event unless you can claim skin cancer like my older co-workers. We are assigned a color and our team competes against the other colors in things like Tug of War, lip synching, beer pong, etc. Yes, the good part is that we get beer and free tickets for the rides. Ordinarily, I would love an event like this...

If it was at Smith.
If I knew anyone my age.
If I didn't feel intimidated by the coolness of my similarly aged co-workers.
Basically, if I had friends.

Seriously, I love the log ride more than most, but who am I going to stand in line with and go on it with?!? Probably, some creepy guy if I am lucky enough to get anyone to talk to me. Creepy guy #1 who asked my across-the-cube friend if she could set him up with me doesn't get to go because he is technically not part of my company, thank god. None of the G*****M.** (whatever, no one reads this blog...) had their "Color War" tee-shirts on their desks so I think I am safe. He already avoids eye-contact or pleasantries like good-morning now that he knows I'm a gay lady.

Oh, yeah, the tee-shirts. A lovely white with our company logo and some stupid saying on the back with the only team indicator being the colored bands on the neck and arms (in my case, beautiful kelly green). In a size men's LARGE! I can't even cut that and sew it to fit or alter it to make it any cuter since I have to keep the sleeves that go past my elbows in tact. I will work on it more this evening. I'm sure I can come up with something creative. Perhaps reattaching the sleeve band? Anyway, now we will have to prepare for ridiculous heat and lots of sunscreen with a chance of thunderstorms. Awesome. Basically, they told us to bring a swimsuit, flipflops, AND sneakers. Am I supposed to bring my wheely suitcase?!? AND bring it on the log ride?!?!

Maybe I will make some friends. I have one person in my department that is on my team and hopefully the other across-the-cube friend will be nice to me and ride the log ride. She is the next youngest in our department...30. I think she might have her own friends, though. I hope I don't have to do anything too embarrassing...we'll see...

Oh, to top that off, I just got an email from my team captain, Mr. Jock.
"Question: What has two thumbs and is ready to rock color war?
Answer: This Guy!!!"

NO.

I will call her Pickle

2006-07-28T16:05:00.000-04:00

After watching The Squid and the Whale last night while babysitting, I have decided to use the endearing nickname that the mom uses for the youngest boy, Pickle, for my J. Writing J makes me think of smoking pot which I miss too often not being in college anymore, and therefore Pickle is much better. I am calling her Pickle because as she so cutely pointed out last night, Pickles go with Mayonnaise quite well. She doesn't eat mayonnaise due to her hatred of white condiments (minus cream cheese), but I really like mayonnaise, especially on sandwiches with pickles. Thus, it seems fitting. Oh, and she really likes pickles. Pickle and Mayonnaise together forever.

busting at the seams

2006-07-27T10:21:00.000-04:00

Literally. This has never happened in my tiny-sized life. My pants busted at the seams. I just noticed.

This morning I thought they were a little tight and even looked at J in shock as I was getting dressed. They have always been a little too small, but I wear them anyway because I love them and they are cute, pinkish-brown pinstripe, capri-trousers with cuffs that are the right length for my petite height. But now on the left thighs inner seam they have ripped. They do feel quite snug when my thighs expand when I press them into the chair to comfortably sit, but to really bust?!?! I guess that's what I get for buying too small pants from Target.

I do not mind gaining weight. In fact, I really would like to so I could be a normal adult-size and not have the size 2's be too big. I bought, actually, a size 2 similarly cute capri pant from Target, but in black, two days ago only to find out they were really big size 2's. They were obviously a different brand than the ones I am wearing. What size are these, anyway? Hm. I can't see right now without taking them off, which I can't do in my cube. (And I can do a lot of things in my cube i.e. yesterday, reading a sample from amazon.com of lesbian erotica--J advised against this as I might "get in trouble," but really, why would they notice if it was through amazon?)

Anyway, I am sad about my cute pants and my possible weight gain because I do not have enough money to buy the aforementioned normal adult-size pants. I have stopped exercising since the only form of exercise I really will do is dance class and that stopped after graduation. But now that I am thinking about it, these pants do feel quite tight around my tummy. And the zipper is pulling down. I am mad now. I really like these pants and will never find any like them again because I bought them at Target many years ago. In high school, maybe. Is this part of the real world? Getting bigger? I hope not because the budget will not allow for it. Maybe we should join the Y and I could take dance classes or pilates or even work out in the gym how I did one summer when my mom paid for me to be a second member on her fancy gym membership. But I don't want to. I am too lazy and I think my happiness should be more important. I don't like new things, especially new classes. Also, I might have to force myself to go and lately I don't like doing things that are scheduled. They cause me anxiety. Once I am there, I am fine, but the anxiety before is bad.

But then again, since I don't have real workout shoes I could convince J that I needed them and then be able to get new shoes, which I always like. Oh, what to do...NOTHING.

If we are too tired to stay up past 9:30 to watch Project Runway, imagine how tired I would be if I was exercising, too!

ants in my pants

2006-07-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

Maybe I've had too much caffeine today. Maybe I am excited about what is maybe happening inside my sister. Maybe I am excited for free drinks. Maybe I am excited to see my beautiful J. Whatever the reason is, I can't seem to keep still. AND the minutes until 5:00 seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. What is wrong with me?

Therefore, I am trying to blog to give me something to do for 15 minutes. It must be the caffeine. Geez. I am certainly not this excited about Project Runway tonight. Hm. Lalalala. That only wasted 2 minutes. I feel antsy.

I am really glad...

2006-07-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

I have enough time at work to peruse all of the gossip blogs I want and as often as I want. I am also really glad I am not Lindsay Lohan. Seriously, what the f is she doing going to that old guy's birthday party and letting the photos of her "posing" in nude-colored bikinis get out on the internet!

Also:

that my sister is such a good writer
that I have such a great girlfriend that I am so in love with and get to go home everyday to
that maybe there is something being created in my sister's uterus, but probably not since we aren't allowed to be optimistic
that I get to go to Target after work
that J posted the funny link on her blog that has been making me laugh all morning...overplot...hahaha

My therapy appointment was less than encouraging as she suggested that your first job be everything you want it to be. What does she know? She probably went straight to med school! I wanted her to tell me it is just a job and I should focus on the other thigns in my life that are great. Like the things above. I really should be focusing on those things, not questioning whether I have the motivation to stay at my crappy job. I signed a contract. I kinda have to stay. It's not that bad. I get to be in my nice cube on the computer all day and do what I want when I want. I usually do my work just great and everyone here loves me. How can I be more optimistic about life when I feel like I have to prove to my own therapist that it isn't that bad? That I am just having trouble adjusting. I love my life outside of work for the most part. Shouldn't that be enough. Apparently not. Since I still feel like crying sometimes for no reason when it isn't even pms.

I guess I need a new therapist and a new dentist.

moldy bread

2006-07-24T14:13:00.000-04:00

I have a bad case of the Mondays with a tummy ache, period cramps, and hunger. I am hungry because this morning I let J take the top heel of the end of the bread + 1 regular piece and I was going to have 1 regular piece + bottom heel. She left and I began making my lunch only to find out the bottom heel was moldy! So I only ate 1/2 a sandwich for lunch and there wasn't much other portable food in the house so now I am hungry. Also tired. And bored.

There really is just not very much for me to do on Mondays. I could work ahead, but that will just be worse for me in the long run because I have to wait a little bit for changes to be made otherwise I will be going crazy later in the week making changes to what I already did. I did find out, though, that I made a teeny little mistake with the stuff from last week that I was worried about, but it was no big deal. The woman I was covering for was so nice about it and said I did a good job. Yay.

The weekend was good after my yucky Friday afternoon where I was going to meet J and H at Southstreet Seaport after work, but instead they moved more towards Wall St. which meant walking a lot in the rain and getting lost. Saturday I went to the dentist and we visited the big Brooklyn Library which was somewhat disappointing because they didn't have many of the books that I wanted. The dentist was less than pleasant. I went in because my recent fillings have been giving me pain when I chew.

Upon looking at my chart he said, "So, why are you on so many medications?"

"Depression. Anxiety. I just quit smoking."

Later...

"So turns out your tooth pain is all in your head. Your fillings are fine...blah blah blah"
... could literally be in my head due to sinus inflammation causing my teeth to hurt. He ended up giving me a cleaning, but still, be a little more sensitive, dude! Now I have to floss twice a day and I don't like it one bit and I feel like a crazy lady that shouldn't be on so many medications and/or going to the dentist! I don't have to see him for another 6 months and if I continue to have pain (which I do! Cereal was hard for me to eat this morning) I might try going to a different dentist.

Babysat twins. Kneeled in a little poop. Made $50 while watching Tipping the Velvet, which was good, but didn't need to be 3 hours long. Hopefully more QAF will arrive today. Maybe two discs! But no email shipment confirm so probably tomorrow.

Sunday was great brunch with friends and all you can drink at our favorite place that is $10 bucks for brunch items like eggs or pizza or pasta + all you can drink. We have been going there weekly as a nice treat. Sunday grocery shopping and yummy trader joe's stir fry dinner last night.

I have a phone therapy session (rescheduled from last week) that I am not looking forward to. I don't like it and I told her I could only do 1/2 an hour today and I desperately need her to sort out pharmacy complications. I cry after every time I try to go to the pharmacy and getting my anti-crazy pills should not be this traumatic nor should it be difficult EVERY time. I just don't want to fill her in on everything. It makes me overwhelmed since I haven't talked to her in a while and I am worried that I will not tell her the important things and get caught up in details and then she goes on vacation. Ugh! I guess I need to find a therapist here, but I don't want to start over and frankly if I wasn't on so many drugs I would just not go, but there seems to be no way for me to stay on the drugs without checking in with a Dr. Even though she said she would continue to treat me even if I didn't have regular appointments it seems like I need to talk to her to get the prescriptions worked out every month. Everything seems more difficult today. I think I am having a quarter life crisis and I just want to lounge on the sofa when I am not going
to and from work and that is all.

I am researching rescue pugs and there is a place in Jersey that gets a lot of babies, but they say you have to live in Jersey which I think is the dumbest thing EVER.

I want to cry

2006-07-21T10:55:00.000-04:00

I want to cry. I don't know what I'm doing and I think I fucked up with what I am working on. I am covering for someone who is out of the office and I think I messed up or something. I got a call and I sent the email and I sent the instructions, but something just isn't adding up. Everything could be fine and it could all get sorted out, but then on Monday the woman I am covering for will know that it was me who messed up. But still, I could be OK and I just don't know. I am having a horrible day and I want to cry and go home and not do anything at all. I couldn't fall asleep last night for the longest time and I'm sure that's not helping. I want it to be 5 right now. right. now. I don't know what to do and I can't relax or stop stressing or anything like that. I should have asked more questions when I wasn't sure instead of proceeding. I need to learn how to do that. I just assume that I know, but I don't. I am just so unhappy right now.

This is so stupid to be so upset about. I don't think I am upset about the job, but I can't figure what is making me so feel so down.

Happy Birthday, Bri!

2006-07-20T11:48:00.000-04:00

To honor my sister's 31st birthday and her request to blog today, I am presenting her gift via this post.

Your gift, my dearest seester, is that from this day forward we will have weekly sister hang out time.

You pick the day, but we should keep it consistent so that it really is a weekly appointment. (I'm sure there will be special circumstances for changes of the day, but I want to try to have it be the same day each week.) This also does not mean that I will see you only once a week, but that we will definitely see each other at least once a week. Project Runway nights are excluded.

During this time we can:
eat fried candybars, watch TV, go to movies, eat other delectable foods (especially if Wes can't eat them), go to Fairway, or go to other shopping establishments where I will assist as personal shopper/fashion consultant.
*If applicable later on we can go out for drinks, but I'm being optimistic and not including that in the present list.*

In addition, when we think of other fun or necessary sister activities we can add them to the list.

So Happy Birthday, seester! I love you!

handbags = happiness?

2006-07-19T14:53:00.000-04:00

As per the post with the Marc Jcobs handbag, I have found two websites where you "borrow" designer bags. Only one of them has the Stam bag, though, and that is the one with the min. 3 month membership. This is like the Netflix for designer handbags. I have the site up and am about to register, but is this really what I want to spend my money on? The membership is only $10/month, but depending on what bag you rent, the additional costs are high. There is also renter's insurance, which would probably be a good idea for someone like me who is accident prone. So, if I join, my first rental would be the MJ Stam, obviously. It is $60/week or $175/month. Plus, you can have more than one rental out. So, my $10 membership would definitely not be a big deal.

Is it worth it? I have been depressed and maybe carrying that bag would make me happy. I would surely admire it for long enough to occupy some of my time. Also, what if the black Stam isn't available tomorrow? I have therapy tonight and I would like to consult my therapist on my self-prescribed anti-depressant, but what if the Stam bag is gone by then?!?!? Boy, oh boy.

Plus, there are $45 fakes on Canal Street...J is against this idea as I am sure most everyone else will be. Why does everyone have to be so effing practical!!!!!

so. annoyed.

2006-07-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

So after a lovely lunchtime spent waiting at Washington Mutual to open a savings account linked to my checking, I found out that because the account was opened on the West Coast, I can't open a savings on the East and link it! The only way is to close the account and reopen it on the East Coast, but I can't actually do that beacause it is a joint account with MY FATHER! When, oh when, will I ever be completely independent? I don't necessarily want him off the account, beacuse it is easier for him to give me money this way, but come on, geez! I just wanted a simple savings account that I could transfer some of my paycheck to save for rent money! Why isn't the bank catering to my priveledged needs?!?!

Then. I got to stand out in the heat on my cell phone and try to make a gynecologist appointment. What fun. And, of course, I had to repeat over and over again over the traffic "Abnormal Pap Smear...Yes!" That was the reason I went outside in the first place so I didn't have to shout that over and over again in my cube. But, I do get to see a female doctor in Columbus Circle for my colposcopy in a relatively short amount of time. Plus, I will get to leave work in the middle of the day for it. If the appointment is at 10:30 and they want me to be there early there is no point in being at work for 45 minutes, so I will just be late. Whooppee. Now I can stop closing my eyes/gettting mad when the annoying "encourage-your-friends-to-get-a-pap-smear-regularly-to-avoid-cervical-cancer" commercials come on. I DO get regular pap smears stupid bitches. They don't say anything about the follow-up appoinments where they are going to burn my cervix or whatever.

Then. The dissappointment of Time Warner Cable. As my sister wrote about Project Runway in an email (my absolute favorite show) I realized that surely if she has Bravo, we must get Bravo and there has been some sort of mistake all along. I waited patiently on hold (this time in the air-conditioned cube, at least) only to find out we have some sort of Intro something-something double-play lite and if I want Bravo we would have to pay $98 instead of $69 ($72.50 with taxes). Double grrrrrrrrrrrrr..... The lady on the phone said I sounded disappointed. uh. yeah.

Now, I have to go prove my sanity to the woman who said
it is impossible that I am doing talent reports right, and that the computer is messing up. I miss my Wellbutrin.

oops-a-daisy

2006-07-18T10:46:00.000-04:00

At 9:05 this morning as I was going up the stairs from the subway to work and I realized, oops, I forgot to take my medicine this morning! That means I also forgot to bring the afternoon dose to work. That means today will be interesting. I guess I was so excited this morning about my new outfit that I got two weekends ago, but couldn't wear until now because of unfortunate hickeys (ahem!) that I thought I might not be crazy after all. I already want cigarettes just after seeing tabloid pictures of lindsay lohan and parliment lights....grrr....stupid bitch. Today is going to be fun. At least I have my book to finish which is soooo fascinating, Plum Skyes, how I adore you and your filth.

turns out I love basketball

2006-07-13T13:43:00.000-04:00

Boy oh boy. Did I have fun last night at the WNBA All-Star game! I met J in the crazy storm at the TGIFriday's for after work cocktails. 2 happy-hour priced margaritas and a quesedilla later, I was ready for the game! The crowds only made me moderately grumpy and as soon as we made our way to our nose-bleed deck, everything was much mellower. We stood in line for beer only to find out the keg was out. Then, found the "Garden Pub" where they had fancy beer like Amstel Light and Heinekin (which was also out) blus a pretzel in your mug handle for only $0.75 more! What joy! Our seats were actually very good for $10 (if you don't take into consideration the surcharges and necessary beverages). We had a direct view to the court which was nicely illuminated in its new 10th anniversary paint job. The game began after some twin teenage rocker girls performed a song and then it was quick, quick, quick! I had a great time because:
I understand the rules of basketball since I acually once played it in middle school; the lulls at this game were filled with gymnasts and child cheerleaders (all co-ed); it is REALLY cool to watch women be so strong, physically; I was drunk; J stood in line for nachos at the end when I got fussy and there were slam-dunks!

All in all, a great time had and we went back on the subway together (plus H--she came midway through without L) and there was no one who yelled at us.

I am in such a particularly good mood because today is my friday. Also, I am excited about the free Guggenheim tomorrow evening. AND J found an openbar.com listing that is in a Soho boutique. I have already promised her to keep my designer obsessed butt in check. i.e. must continue to budget even if there is a free bar. I have just discovered the blog dooce.com and I like her pictures and her daughter is cute. It makes me want to take more pictures and play with photoshop since I have that on my computer and post them! It also makes me want a new camera. I think I will ask for one for my birthday, where I can focus only the foreground. Like this one, the Nikon D50:
J has now called me a big basketball fan. And from such a sporty, softball-dyke, that is quite a compliment. Also, it was the only sporting event where I have seen so many gays. Even gay BOYS were there! They must love the basketball as much as I do. And, probably for the same reasons.

something nice to begin the day with

2006-07-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

I have a big day ahead of me. I am very sleepy since we watched and finished the entire disk 4 of season 1 queer as folk last night. (Plus there was a little meltdown/fight before bed). But I must get this out or else I might explode:

Why must one listen to their voicemail messages on speakerphone?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!

Especially, if they were gone the day before and have 12!!!

AND at 9:20 before her cubicle neighboor has had any coffee!!!! (me)

AND when our phone system has that auto-voice lady who says "message 300 from phone number 9-1-2-1-2-...."!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!

That is all for now. I get to meet J at Friday's for cheap happy hour pre-gaming. Haha. It will really be pre-gaming since we are really going to a real live sporting event. I hope I am wearing the right outfit....

strap-ons in the workplace

2006-07-11T14:53:00.000-04:00

So, my chatty co-worker and I have had a date to talk about her favorite show, the L-Word. Boy was she excited to dish with me and talked about how at first watching the lesbian sex took some getting used to, etc. But now, she is hooked, and as soon as she found out I was a lezzie, she wanted to bond over the trashy show. We talked about all the characters, the drama, who's a lesbo in real life, etc. Finally, she said something along the lines of why use a strap-on, when you could get a beautiful man with a beautiful penis(I think there might have been a hand motion...yuck!) ...she doesn't quite get it, but she was trying...I must give her some credit. She is the only one in the office who acknowledges my gayness. Thank god the next time she came into my cubicle was to tell me that we have new organic fair-trade coffee for the funny individual pod-coffee machine. I was excited because it tasted better than the other shit ass pee water we usually drink!

Other than that, things have been uneventful. I am busier with my new client and taking full responsibility of the neglect that just came up regarding my first client. Apparently, people weren't getting paid since MAY! I wasn't even done with college then and I have to clean up the mess! But, I have Friday off and then Monday which will be nice since this job is taking a toll on my neck and back. Ouch. I think getting busier is helping my mood and I am even looking forward to going to the mandatory sporting event. Hopefully, it will be the only one of the summer ;) Tomorrow evening is WNBA All-Stars and J is making me go claiming that even stars I know like Sheryl Swoopes and Lisa Leslie will be there. We are going with H and L and I might even get to eat McDonald's for dinner! We haven't eaten there since we moved here. And since we are on a budget and need something fast before the game, J said we might be able to!!!

gay bashing

2006-07-10T10:17:00.000-04:00

It actually happened. I never thought it would and I haven't heard anyone it has happened to. J and I were yelled at Saturday night. We were on the 1 train and I kissed her (just a peck, mind you) and then placed my hand on her leg. We had just come from a friend's birthday party in Chelsea and I was already feeling out of sorts. The party was thrown by a butch for her femme girlfriend. There was another equally matched couple there, plus J and I, plus 2 straight girls and the BDay girls parents. I already felt weird that J or I could not commiserate with them about their struggles with pantyhose and their frustrations with what to put in their purses. (They both are working for banking places so they have to wear pantyhose with skirts.) I was feeling out of sorts because in addition since J and I were hosting her friend for the weekend and although I had a great time with her, it is hard to have someone extra in the apartment 24/7. We have no doors. I am at an extremely volatile emotional state and cry at every and any opportunity lately so having a house guest makes them uncomfortable with me not having a place to go.

Back to the subway. I was trying to tell some sort of animated story to J and she said "Nat, be quiet, they are laughing at us..."
"But I was just telling you a story!" I said.
Then I looked over and two people were in fact laughing at us. The 1 train is particularly bad because you just have to sit looking across at the other bench. Just two rows of seats facing each other. In the past, I have cried on this type of train and had no where to hide, forcing me to look down or up. The laughing homophobes then said "It should be illegal" and I of course said "Yeah, illegal." in defense. Sarcastically. I wanted to prove them wrong and stand up for myself, but then I got a little scared and we decided to switch cars. On our way out I mouthed "Oh my god" and the woman yelled at me (or us) until we were at the next station.

"Bitch, take your bitch with you! Cracker (-something or other)I'll punch you in the face....blah blah blah!" I don't really remember it all as I was so shocked. I didn't hear the cracker part and J filled me in later. Adding insult to injury.

In the next subway car it seemed like we were the only white people. I wanted to hold J and for her to hold me, but instead I sobbed and she stealthy held my elbow so no one could see. It was so scary. so. Scary.

So of course since J wasn't comforting crying me, I got mad at her. Thinking that she was ashamed to be gay and that since she doesn't label herself gay,queer,lesbian, etc. she doesn't want to prove anything to them like I did. On the next train I argued with her about how she was ashamed and not proud and that she only went to pride because it was political and not personal...etc. I had it out for her. She was equally scared and therefore wanted to remain as invisible as possible for the rest of the way home. I was so mad and sad and actually wished for the first time in history that I wasn't gay. It was not a choice for me since I really did get it on with all of my girl-friends in elementary school. Besides the point. OK, so back at home I fell apart. Poor houseguest. She stayed in the kitchen not knowing what to do since I was hysterical and J had to justify each action and her feelings and whatnot. I was so sad. so scared. so sad. I wanted to go right to bed, but felt bad about the houseguest so I insisted that J watch TV with her and entertain her while I lay on the bed in shock. Of course, they decided to watch Will and Grace and the episode was in a gay club and with a grandma who didn't know they were gay and then freaked out....totally inappropriate for my mood. I thought they could have been more sensitive in their television choice since the bedroom DOESN'T HAVE A DOOR and thought that they should have immediately changed the channel for anti-gay subject material. We went to bed and I was fine in the morning, but really didn't want to leave the house. J convinced me and I did and ended up finding a used hot pink lacoste dress and that made me very happy. Also, free food and drinks at my sister's cocktail party and someone to tell that story to. My sister told us we should have told the conductor and if we said the word hate-crime, something would have happened immediately. I didn't think they would have since the conductor was probably also of the same race as the gay basher and might have been equally as ignorant. I don't know.

I am just trying to deal with it and want to tell everyone, but obviously I can't and really I don't know how to deal with this except that it is rare and probably won't happen again. Maybe I will feel better now after this post.

Also, since this incident occurred on the 1 train I do not want to live on the Upper West side anymore. Humph!

$1,275

2006-07-06T16:52:00.000-04:00

The one material possession I want the most...
the Marc Jacobs Stam Quilted Satchel:

I will NEVER be able to afford it and I don't think that my parents would get it for me for my Sept. birthday. In the meantime I am looking for good fakes and want one so desperately! Ideally in white or blue like the one Lindsey Lohan got, but those colors are impossible to get your hands on!

Off to the Wizard of Oz for movies with a view in Brooklyn Bridge Park with a magnum bottle of wine for J and I to share!

bleak

2006-07-06T10:45:00.000-04:00

So work has improved. I have been busy with S***y-D with the long weekend. I was informed yesterday that I will get to take on a new account with A*A which will be completely mine on the spot side. It isn't worth explaining, but it means that I will have more work. It is funny that I want more to do. Most people might enjoy this listless boredom. I like to stay busy and it is usually my fuel for my energy level. It is amazing how low my energy has been.

I had a phone therapy appointment yesterday. She asked me if I was depressed. I don't know. Isn't it kinda her job to figure that out? As my father pointed out, we are paying her $200 a session. I ignored that comment in his email and decided that I can do my best to budget, but he should be responsible for my therapy. After all, it is probably his fault if you get right down to it. The way I feel right now is blah. All the time. I don't really care about anything and I don't really have any motivation to do anything to lift my spirits. My therapist suggested dance classes, painting classes...all things that used to make me happy in the past. But I just don't have the energy to a) find them, b) sign up and c) actually make myself go to them. Plus, doing something new and out of my comfort zone by myself is always a challenge. A challenge that I don't care to face right now. Living on my own, without my parents money is an adjustment enough. My dad has a budget set up for me to guide me, but it is more like he is just doing it to "teach me a lesson," as the Dr. said. I have been raised in a life of excess. I have never been deprived of anything I really wanted. Ever. There was always a way I could convince them that I needed it. Now, I am unhappy because money is a limiting factor in what I do. I want the glamorous NY life and I can't have it. I can wear all my diamonds and my designer jeans, but yet I have to count my pennies. It seems stupid. I know they can afford to get me whatever I want. BUT at the same time I know I don't want them to support me all of my life. And I do want to prove to them that I can make it on my own. But I wish there was more of a cushion as I "adjust." My father does the grocery shopping each night for fresh dinner ingredients, but yet he expects J and I to spend $400/month on groceries combined??? Yeah right. And that is what we are doing instead of eating out, which is definitely more expensive. That is $50/week for food. It is so not realistic.

So maybe I am a spoiled brat and I need to deal with it. This is my time to adjust. But how can I adjust when I feel like I don't have anything fun or good or exciting except for my lovely J. She is the light of my life right now and although that puts a lot of pressure on her and our relationship, things between us couldn't be better. She knows that I am unhappy, but neither of us know how to fix it with our limited funds and lack of friends here. I have a 4 day weekend coming up because of summer Fridays/Mondays that work offers me. I have to take it this time because I was last to pick my days off since I am a new hire. All I want to do is play like the Sex in the City girls who shop, eat fabulously, drink, shop more and go to museums. But even museums are a bit pricey. We have to pay rent in 25 days and I can't do what I want to do because of that. Maybe I am also a shopaholic and an alcoholic, but those are two separate issues. I can keep those in control for the most part, especially since I don't have a credit card. Well, I do, I am just not allowed to use it and my father has scared me away from getting one of my own.

I hate this feeling. I want to spend my free time doing nothing but sleeping, watching TV and reading in my air-conditioned apartment. Which, btw, I have no idea how much that is costing us since we have yet to recieve an electric bill. At least I love my apartment and my girlfriend. I need something else to make me adjust to this new life and return to my old state of happiness and optimism.

pugs

2006-06-29T14:10:00.000-04:00

I am so bored. I have done my work sending those commercial instructions, even working ahead. When I work ahead, though, it only means I will be bored later. I think that as of now I am done for the day unless I get any changes or phone calls.

Today I finished Pug Hill and I am sad that I don't get to read it anymore. It really made me smile a lot and I even laughed out loud on the subway and at my desk...both rare. It ended happily ever after--she meets a man who happens to like her back and own a black pug puppy. I want a pug puppy! My parents told me I had to live on my own for a year before I could get one and J said 8 months so I am going with that. I have to prove that I can take care of myself before I take on the responsibility of taking care of another being. Sometimes, taken care of myself is hard because I like to have lots of fancy cocktails and then hot dogs for breakfast. I have to wait until I have enough money to support myself before I can support another being. Plus, J pointed out that we don't want puppy pee all over our stuff right now. I even promised I wouldn't shop if I could get one for my birthday in 3 months!!!! So now every time I see pretty shoes, purses, etc. I think how that money can be used on my pug in December. Boo. December is so far away. J said that money could be used on food for us, but we clearly have different priorities.

I am having trouble with my job. I feel like I want to cry. People get really grumpy about things that I am not involved with, like certain gianormous coorperations locking their systems last night... I sometimes think how organized I am and sometimes I worry that I am not very good at this. Half the time I am on the phone with people, I am telling them incorrect info. Or I am completely stumped as to how to deal with them. Phone stuff will get easier as I get the hang of it, they say, but I hate that part. After I get off the phone, I usually find that what I told them isn't right. Oops. I am really good at keeping my papers and tasks organized, but I feel like things slip through the cracks. For example, a woman from a synd. network called asking for traffic instructions and I told her there were none to be sent for that program. After I got off the phone I found the instructions, of course, stapled to an addition of that program. I guess if she really doesn't have it, they will find me, but I am pretty sure it got sent since there is a special stapled email with the instructions. I just need to get that off my chest.
Sometimes I love the girl that sits accross from me, but sometimes she is too loud when I am on the phone so I can't even hear my phone call. Also, she is a smoker and well, let's face it, that is hard to have accross from you when you are a new ex-smoker. (That is what I am supposed to call myself, not a quitter.) I really want a cigarete NOW. I have been thinking about them all day. I went to the bank over lunch and I thought how easy it would be to just have one and how I might resort to that when my job actually gets stressful and I turn grumpy like my co-workers. It is a bad day for the cravings...time to take the Wellbutrin!

artsy/dykey vs. classy

2006-06-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

I dream of living on the upper west side. I want a doorman and I want to wear Burberry raincoats and dress my pug in a matching one. I want to be close to Central Park so J can go running in a nice place. I want to be rich. I know I sound stupid, but I really want the NY life that everyone dreams of. Well, not everyone, but you know.
But how many lesbians live on the upper west side? I want to be like Bette and Tina in the good times, just in Manhattan. Successful power lesbians with a doorman. I suppose J and I get just as many strange looks walking down the street holding hands in Brooklyn as we would on the upper west side. Brooklyn is cool and artsy and has great bars and restaurants that are affordable and I really do love it. But I really do want to wear burberry and have a doorman. Why can't I have both??????
Maybe Brooklyn for now and UWS for later. In 10 years maybe the upper west side will be the mecca for power lesbians. Maybe all those stupid girls that write books about questioning their sexuality will end up being gay, but looking straight and they will end up there. And then I would fit in. J called herself a yuppie last night and in the past I would have objected completely. But what is so bad about being a yuppie. Young and up and coming. I am young and successful and therefore up and coming. Maybe we are both yuppies and that's not such a bad thing.

How many 21 year olds do you know that are making 30k right out of college, have a 401k, dress in designer jeans AND love to have sex with GIRLS?! We are a unique breed.

an introduction

2006-06-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

A little bit of history:
OK, so here it goes. I am a 21 year old lesbian who went to an all women's college in New England. I started dating women in college and it was never really a big deal. I didn't ever have a big coming out story or anything like that. It just wasn't a big deal. It still isn't. My sister, who is 9 years older, came out in college and then married a f2m. So, since my brother-in-law used to be a woman, my parents weren't that shocked when I started bringing my girlfriends home for vacations. Also, I am from San Francisco so my parents are pretty liberal.

I suppose I could talk about my upbringing, but it seems like a large issue to tackle. It boils down to a very clinically depressed genetic lineage, an adopted bi-polar younger brother, and non-traditional schools throughout. (I only started receiving real grades in college.) I am the middle child and the only natural one from my parents. My sister is my half-sister from my dad. I have, thus, also been diagnosed as clinically depressed and have been on meds since I was in high school. It was hard because throghout my life, my brother would have terrible rages as a small boy and my sister was in a mental hospital in college. I was never "that crazy." I am also extrememly anxious and used ot have panic attacks which I thought were a huge deal and my parents down-played them. My dad doesn't talk about feelings or communicate well and only started saying "I love you" at the end of phone calls when he found out I was cutting myself last summer. My mom is similarly removed from feelings, but cries very easily. I worry about her. She is fragile and we have taken trips to Europe just the two of us I feel like I have to play my dad's role in taking care of her. She used to be an interior decorator and thus, aesthetics are important. I get along well with her, but have to remember that she is sometimes quite ridiculous in her judgements. (I had a bad drunken accident 2 summers ago when I was living in Brooklyn with my sister in which I fell on the sidewalk and scraped my face VERY badly. It was no one's fault but my own. We were going to Europe and before we left she said "your face used to be so pretty...")

My last girlfriend was crazy and I had to get a restraining order against her. I am not supposed to talk about it, but since I am technically anonymous it might be OK. She was extremely posessive and attached in a very unhealthy way. She told me we were going to get married and I believed that love was supposed to feel bad half the time. We even had small diamond rings. She was 2 years younger. We had broken up in September and by October I was dating my lovely girlfriend at the time of the violent incident. Lucky for me this violent incident occured in front of my house as the local police were coincidentally driving by. There was a lot of screaming (mainly that I wanted her to leave me alone and that she wanted to talk to me) and since I am quite petite and she was quite large the cops took notice and actually witnessed the act of grabbing/shaking/i don't remember blur that was physical abuse. My mother came for the trials and that was when she met my beautiful J. J likes to joke about that. I don't blame her. It was a unique circumstance.

I just quit smoking. My parents paid for the 10-week patch program which I finished last week! Hurrah! And my therapist has had me Wellbutrin for this purpose. I still crave cigarettes and wonder if it really is true that ex-smokers will always still crave them. I hate that and I wished I never started smoking. But, I did it and I am proud of myself, but still want them sooooo bad. (Like right now. Is it 3 yet? That's when I take the 2nd Wellbutrin of the day.) I was told I was supposed to reward myself and had no trouble doing that. I have a shopping addiction and my parents have enough money to support it. They own 5 houses. However, I am supposed to be "living on my own" and budgeting and whatnot. I am getting SO much better at that, but still want more clothes than I need or can afford.

I am a very femme lesbian and so is by girlfriend. Well, I don't really like labels like that, but we both think that we are the cutest lesbian couple ever. Really. I don't understand why lesbians are so ugly on general principle. I don't look gay and neither does J. That book that just came out irritated me. Same Sex in the City. Stupid. Being gay in this day and age is not that big of a deal. And they had typos. But I still went to get it signed. At least they are addressing the market of young, successful, straight-looking lesbians. But of course, it was an exaggeration like mass consumer personifications of lesbians...like L word, even though I love that show. J and I are living the dream of having a cute apartment in my dream neighboorhood (I wanted to move to PS since my sister moved there 10 years ago.) and a very stable relationship. Yes, we did the stereotypical lesbian U-Haul early move-in, but our college fostered living together and it hasn't been as difficult as they make it out to be. If anything, it is easier in some ways because all of our stuff is in one place. We have only been together 8 months (9 on the 29th), but we are doing VERY well. She is the most supportive, intelligent, funny, beautiful, stable person I know. I am so lucky. We are so lucky. She is perfect and through all of my craziness she tells me she won't leave. And I believe her. Well, when I'm not in crazed/panic-attack mode.

I love living in NYC and particularly Brooklyn. Sometimes I don't want to do things in Manhattan because I like Brooklyn so much. Plus, since I work in midtown going into the city seems like a chore. That's all for now. I have to go send out traffic instructions to cable stations. That is what I do. Trafficking=telling the stations what codes of commercials to air. I think. That is the best definition I can give you. Oh yeah. I was a Studio Art major with a concentration in painting. I studied painting and now I work in broadcast adverstising. I hardly watch TV. Actually I never really did until J. I always hated TV because my dad was in advertising and we live in houses with TVs in the bathrooms and kitchens. It irritates me. It didn't as a child, but as I grew up I came to despise TV. And now I work in it. Weird.

2006-06-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

i had to post this in order to get a picture in my profile. i wish it wasn't so big in the post.
all i want is a pug and i want it right now...if i had one, i might be laughing more like this picture and not bored wishing it would stop raining. J and I are doing absolutely nothing right now. She is reading a magazine, but I feel like I should spend time with her and will compose a real post on monday at work when I have hours and hours of time in front of a computer with no cute girlfriend to hang out with...

I've succumbed...

2006-06-23T16:27:00.000-04:00

quietly. I said that I would never ever have a blog and I've held out a very long time. The idea that total strangers could read my thoughts always creeped me out and now I am actually kind of nervous writing this. I have always thought that my thoughts were too personal and disorganized and that I wouldn't be able to communicate what I wanted. And now all of these things are making me scared and nervous. See, I am not a very good writer, either. I can't spell very well and I never learned about grammar because I have only been to non-traditional schools.
BUT I have found myself with a "real" job and convieniently have a lot of time in front of the computer. So here it goes.