gay bashing

It actually happened. I never thought it would and I haven't heard anyone it has happened to. J and I were yelled at Saturday night. We were on the 1 train and I kissed her (just a peck, mind you) and then placed my hand on her leg. We had just come from a friend's birthday party in Chelsea and I was already feeling out of sorts. The party was thrown by a butch for her femme girlfriend. There was another equally matched couple there, plus J and I, plus 2 straight girls and the BDay girls parents. I already felt weird that J or I could not commiserate with them about their struggles with pantyhose and their frustrations with what to put in their purses. (They both are working for banking places so they have to wear pantyhose with skirts.) I was feeling out of sorts because in addition since J and I were hosting her friend for the weekend and although I had a great time with her, it is hard to have someone extra in the apartment 24/7. We have no doors. I am at an extremely volatile emotional state and cry at every and any opportunity lately so having a house guest makes them uncomfortable with me not having a place to go.

Back to the subway. I was trying to tell some sort of animated story to J and she said "Nat, be quiet, they are laughing at us..."
"But I was just telling you a story!" I said.
Then I looked over and two people were in fact laughing at us. The 1 train is particularly bad because you just have to sit looking across at the other bench. Just two rows of seats facing each other. In the past, I have cried on this type of train and had no where to hide, forcing me to look down or up. The laughing homophobes then said "It should be illegal" and I of course said "Yeah, illegal." in defense. Sarcastically. I wanted to prove them wrong and stand up for myself, but then I got a little scared and we decided to switch cars. On our way out I mouthed "Oh my god" and the woman yelled at me (or us) until we were at the next station.

"Bitch, take your bitch with you! Cracker (-something or other)I'll punch you in the face....blah blah blah!" I don't really remember it all as I was so shocked. I didn't hear the cracker part and J filled me in later. Adding insult to injury.

In the next subway car it seemed like we were the only white people. I wanted to hold J and for her to hold me, but instead I sobbed and she stealthy held my elbow so no one could see. It was so scary. so. Scary.

So of course since J wasn't comforting crying me, I got mad at her. Thinking that she was ashamed to be gay and that since she doesn't label herself gay,queer,lesbian, etc. she doesn't want to prove anything to them like I did. On the next train I argued with her about how she was ashamed and not proud and that she only went to pride because it was political and not personal...etc. I had it out for her. She was equally scared and therefore wanted to remain as invisible as possible for the rest of the way home. I was so mad and sad and actually wished for the first time in history that I wasn't gay. It was not a choice for me since I really did get it on with all of my girl-friends in elementary school. Besides the point. OK, so back at home I fell apart. Poor houseguest. She stayed in the kitchen not knowing what to do since I was hysterical and J had to justify each action and her feelings and whatnot. I was so sad. so scared. so sad. I wanted to go right to bed, but felt bad about the houseguest so I insisted that J watch TV with her and entertain her while I lay on the bed in shock. Of course, they decided to watch Will and Grace and the episode was in a gay club and with a grandma who didn't know they were gay and then freaked out....totally inappropriate for my mood. I thought they could have been more sensitive in their television choice since the bedroom DOESN'T HAVE A DOOR and thought that they should have immediately changed the channel for anti-gay subject material. We went to bed and I was fine in the morning, but really didn't want to leave the house. J convinced me and I did and ended up finding a used hot pink lacoste dress and that made me very happy. Also, free food and drinks at my sister's cocktail party and someone to tell that story to. My sister told us we should have told the conductor and if we said the word hate-crime, something would have happened immediately. I didn't think they would have since the conductor was probably also of the same race as the gay basher and might have been equally as ignorant. I don't know.

I am just trying to deal with it and want to tell everyone, but obviously I can't and really I don't know how to deal with this except that it is rare and probably won't happen again. Maybe I will feel better now after this post.

Also, since this incident occurred on the 1 train I do not want to live on the Upper West side anymore. Humph!