you can't always get what you want

I am angry. I have pent up anger that makes me want to scream or squish something really hard until it pops. My period is coming soon, but I am not usually this angry. I just feel like I can't have anything I want and I am continually being deprived of something. But I can't quite put my finger on what is making me feel this way, as usual.

The anger cannot simply be from money worries, holiday anticipation, bills, and miscommunication with Pickle. Those seem like things I face everyday. The holidays are coming up, but I am less aprehensive than most since I am actually excited to see my family. It means presents. It means no work. The money worries have been particularly bad since Pickle's college loans are starting now and we are looking at cancelling cable and phone, which I really really don't want to do. At the same time, I don't want to pay for those bills all on my own.

I want to go shopping. I want to be selfish. Actually, I think I am usually pretty selfish so I want to be more selfish. I really really want to go shopping. However, I am not supposed to get anything for myself until after Christmas. My last purchase was for some Nordstrom sale items that should be arriving any minute. That includes metallic silver pumas! And a cheap bag that will hopefully become my new work bag and a cheap knit dress. However, I want MORE! I want a new coat that is less hot than my super New England winter ones. I might look for that at the Macy's sale tomorrow since I have a giftcard from a return. But I also want one more pair of skinny jeans. And a better pair of black pants. And better winter work tops. See, this post is getting selfish?! Just talking about what I want. I am such a whiny spoiled brat! I make myself mad! I am just. so. angry.

I have wasted away my Monday, which is good, but I really can't figure out what I did all day. That makes me mad, too. Also, I can't keep track of my money and it is so frustrating because I just wish checks could be cashed in a timely fashion so what my account says was an accurate reflection of what funds I actually have! C'mon Mr. landlord!!!

I really wanted to post about my Friday night when I babysat for a 2 year old little boy with Down's, but I just don't think it is the time.

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I saw a backstreet boy. Kevin, the dark haired one.

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Babysitting for a 2 year old boy is hard. I am used to it because toddler boys are my specialty. They seem to listen to me. We have fun together. I can get my energy level up to theirs. A 2 year old boy with Down's Syndrome is really not that different. The energy level has to be up there, with his, as usual. So, once you get your energy up there and sustain it, babysitting and chasing him around and feeding him, it just takes a little extra patience.

Once you understand the quirks, like how much he enjoys throwing as a form of communication as well as sharing, it is just the same, but different. When he wanted to play with something with me, throwing it at my head was clearly the obvious choice. And when I stopped paying attention to him, strapped in his high chair, throwing was the solution. That, for sure, happens with toddlers in high chairs anyway. So, we looked at his toys, played for a little while. Played with Pickle and the dog when they came over. I fed him his dinner which required the most work since I am a messy girl to begin with! It really was amazing that most of the food actually was eaten in the end. We had to send Pickle and the dog away since they were too distracting.

The other tricky part was putting him to bed. Getting the onsie PJ's on was really difficult since he is a squirmy one. Reading the books was hard because he wanted to turn the pages very very quickly (while continuing to squirm) so I ended up reading in a rushed, not so soothing, anti-bedtime voice. Then when he was crying in the crib, holding him or rocking him was once again difficult because of the wiggling. So really the only difference was he's not very cuddly child. That was about it. Finally, after some holding and some back stroking and a lot of baby symphony music, he was quiet. The parents were impressed that he ate all of his dinner and was actually asleep so I think I did a pretty good job. A good job indeed.