an introduction

A little bit of history:
OK, so here it goes. I am a 21 year old lesbian who went to an all women's college in New England. I started dating women in college and it was never really a big deal. I didn't ever have a big coming out story or anything like that. It just wasn't a big deal. It still isn't. My sister, who is 9 years older, came out in college and then married a f2m. So, since my brother-in-law used to be a woman, my parents weren't that shocked when I started bringing my girlfriends home for vacations. Also, I am from San Francisco so my parents are pretty liberal.

I suppose I could talk about my upbringing, but it seems like a large issue to tackle. It boils down to a very clinically depressed genetic lineage, an adopted bi-polar younger brother, and non-traditional schools throughout. (I only started receiving real grades in college.) I am the middle child and the only natural one from my parents. My sister is my half-sister from my dad. I have, thus, also been diagnosed as clinically depressed and have been on meds since I was in high school. It was hard because throghout my life, my brother would have terrible rages as a small boy and my sister was in a mental hospital in college. I was never "that crazy." I am also extrememly anxious and used ot have panic attacks which I thought were a huge deal and my parents down-played them. My dad doesn't talk about feelings or communicate well and only started saying "I love you" at the end of phone calls when he found out I was cutting myself last summer. My mom is similarly removed from feelings, but cries very easily. I worry about her. She is fragile and we have taken trips to Europe just the two of us I feel like I have to play my dad's role in taking care of her. She used to be an interior decorator and thus, aesthetics are important. I get along well with her, but have to remember that she is sometimes quite ridiculous in her judgements. (I had a bad drunken accident 2 summers ago when I was living in Brooklyn with my sister in which I fell on the sidewalk and scraped my face VERY badly. It was no one's fault but my own. We were going to Europe and before we left she said "your face used to be so pretty...")

My last girlfriend was crazy and I had to get a restraining order against her. I am not supposed to talk about it, but since I am technically anonymous it might be OK. She was extremely posessive and attached in a very unhealthy way. She told me we were going to get married and I believed that love was supposed to feel bad half the time. We even had small diamond rings. She was 2 years younger. We had broken up in September and by October I was dating my lovely girlfriend at the time of the violent incident. Lucky for me this violent incident occured in front of my house as the local police were coincidentally driving by. There was a lot of screaming (mainly that I wanted her to leave me alone and that she wanted to talk to me) and since I am quite petite and she was quite large the cops took notice and actually witnessed the act of grabbing/shaking/i don't remember blur that was physical abuse. My mother came for the trials and that was when she met my beautiful J. J likes to joke about that. I don't blame her. It was a unique circumstance.

I just quit smoking. My parents paid for the 10-week patch program which I finished last week! Hurrah! And my therapist has had me Wellbutrin for this purpose. I still crave cigarettes and wonder if it really is true that ex-smokers will always still crave them. I hate that and I wished I never started smoking. But, I did it and I am proud of myself, but still want them sooooo bad. (Like right now. Is it 3 yet? That's when I take the 2nd Wellbutrin of the day.) I was told I was supposed to reward myself and had no trouble doing that. I have a shopping addiction and my parents have enough money to support it. They own 5 houses. However, I am supposed to be "living on my own" and budgeting and whatnot. I am getting SO much better at that, but still want more clothes than I need or can afford.

I am a very femme lesbian and so is by girlfriend. Well, I don't really like labels like that, but we both think that we are the cutest lesbian couple ever. Really. I don't understand why lesbians are so ugly on general principle. I don't look gay and neither does J. That book that just came out irritated me. Same Sex in the City. Stupid. Being gay in this day and age is not that big of a deal. And they had typos. But I still went to get it signed. At least they are addressing the market of young, successful, straight-looking lesbians. But of course, it was an exaggeration like mass consumer personifications of lesbians...like L word, even though I love that show. J and I are living the dream of having a cute apartment in my dream neighboorhood (I wanted to move to PS since my sister moved there 10 years ago.) and a very stable relationship. Yes, we did the stereotypical lesbian U-Haul early move-in, but our college fostered living together and it hasn't been as difficult as they make it out to be. If anything, it is easier in some ways because all of our stuff is in one place. We have only been together 8 months (9 on the 29th), but we are doing VERY well. She is the most supportive, intelligent, funny, beautiful, stable person I know. I am so lucky. We are so lucky. She is perfect and through all of my craziness she tells me she won't leave. And I believe her. Well, when I'm not in crazed/panic-attack mode.

I love living in NYC and particularly Brooklyn. Sometimes I don't want to do things in Manhattan because I like Brooklyn so much. Plus, since I work in midtown going into the city seems like a chore. That's all for now. I have to go send out traffic instructions to cable stations. That is what I do. Trafficking=telling the stations what codes of commercials to air. I think. That is the best definition I can give you. Oh yeah. I was a Studio Art major with a concentration in painting. I studied painting and now I work in broadcast adverstising. I hardly watch TV. Actually I never really did until J. I always hated TV because my dad was in advertising and we live in houses with TVs in the bathrooms and kitchens. It irritates me. It didn't as a child, but as I grew up I came to despise TV. And now I work in it. Weird.