bleak

So work has improved. I have been busy with S***y-D with the long weekend. I was informed yesterday that I will get to take on a new account with A*A which will be completely mine on the spot side. It isn't worth explaining, but it means that I will have more work. It is funny that I want more to do. Most people might enjoy this listless boredom. I like to stay busy and it is usually my fuel for my energy level. It is amazing how low my energy has been.

I had a phone therapy appointment yesterday. She asked me if I was depressed. I don't know. Isn't it kinda her job to figure that out? As my father pointed out, we are paying her $200 a session. I ignored that comment in his email and decided that I can do my best to budget, but he should be responsible for my therapy. After all, it is probably his fault if you get right down to it. The way I feel right now is blah. All the time. I don't really care about anything and I don't really have any motivation to do anything to lift my spirits. My therapist suggested dance classes, painting classes...all things that used to make me happy in the past. But I just don't have the energy to a) find them, b) sign up and c) actually make myself go to them. Plus, doing something new and out of my comfort zone by myself is always a challenge. A challenge that I don't care to face right now. Living on my own, without my parents money is an adjustment enough. My dad has a budget set up for me to guide me, but it is more like he is just doing it to "teach me a lesson," as the Dr. said. I have been raised in a life of excess. I have never been deprived of anything I really wanted. Ever. There was always a way I could convince them that I needed it. Now, I am unhappy because money is a limiting factor in what I do. I want the glamorous NY life and I can't have it. I can wear all my diamonds and my designer jeans, but yet I have to count my pennies. It seems stupid. I know they can afford to get me whatever I want. BUT at the same time I know I don't want them to support me all of my life. And I do want to prove to them that I can make it on my own. But I wish there was more of a cushion as I "adjust." My father does the grocery shopping each night for fresh dinner ingredients, but yet he expects J and I to spend $400/month on groceries combined??? Yeah right. And that is what we are doing instead of eating out, which is definitely more expensive. That is $50/week for food. It is so not realistic.

So maybe I am a spoiled brat and I need to deal with it. This is my time to adjust. But how can I adjust when I feel like I don't have anything fun or good or exciting except for my lovely J. She is the light of my life right now and although that puts a lot of pressure on her and our relationship, things between us couldn't be better. She knows that I am unhappy, but neither of us know how to fix it with our limited funds and lack of friends here. I have a 4 day weekend coming up because of summer Fridays/Mondays that work offers me. I have to take it this time because I was last to pick my days off since I am a new hire. All I want to do is play like the Sex in the City girls who shop, eat fabulously, drink, shop more and go to museums. But even museums are a bit pricey. We have to pay rent in 25 days and I can't do what I want to do because of that. Maybe I am also a shopaholic and an alcoholic, but those are two separate issues. I can keep those in control for the most part, especially since I don't have a credit card. Well, I do, I am just not allowed to use it and my father has scared me away from getting one of my own.

I hate this feeling. I want to spend my free time doing nothing but sleeping, watching TV and reading in my air-conditioned apartment. Which, btw, I have no idea how much that is costing us since we have yet to recieve an electric bill. At least I love my apartment and my girlfriend. I need something else to make me adjust to this new life and return to my old state of happiness and optimism.