taken.

I am overwhelmed with emotions right now. This post is something that I just need to do and I don't know why since I don't necessarily want anyone reading it, I just feel as though I need to...I thought I was going to cry and throw up and scream as I walked to work this morning with the nano blaring angry music. And by angry music, it was just the yeah yeah yeahs.

In the middle of the celebration of our 11 month anniversary yesterday evening, the terrible news came. It may seem silly that we were celebrating an 11 month anniversary, but Pickle and I use any excuse to celebrate (i.e. go out) otherwise we really would just stay at home all the time if there wasn't an "occasion." Also, we celebrate months since they seem like years.

Those words from my sister have been echoing inside my head since then. I just can't get them to go away. "The baby's dead." Tormenting me and making me want to bang my head on the desk and yell "fuckshitFUCK....it's just not fair!" There is no one who deserves a baby more than my sister. I am so sad and sorry for her. Everything was so exciting just days before. Brunch on Sunday was so fun and well, all I have been feeling was excitement. As the sister I was simply excited. I wasn't worrying about raising a child, or paying for it, or any medical issues. I was just excited. And now the excitement has come crashing down. I hope writing this will make me feel a little better and let some of it out. But there is no way I will feel any better.

I asked Pickle if it was unusual to be this upset about something that was not directly happening to me. My hopes aren't crushed, but somehow I am so overly sympathetic it might seem a bit odd. She told me it was just fine to be so upset about this. I love her. It would be easier if I was still in MA or CA and hadn't seen the excitement every time I was with her. Picking out maternity clothes and watching her and Wes argue over how the penguin was going to get its snot taken care of and anticipating the great presents that they were going to receive and that I was going to get for them. This all could still happen. I don't know about the status of future attempts, but it was just so perfect.

Maybe I will feel better when I see her. That's why I am going to there as soon as I am off of work. I want to hold my sister and feel like it is OK to cry. But then again, I want to be strong and encouraging and optimistic and take her mind off of it and do whatever she wants to do and buy her presents and drink lots and lots. Maybe I should have dropped the anniversary celebration and gone directly there? At the time, I thought it would be better to give them time alone, and although I still think that, I just got an email from my mom asking if I saw her yesterday. That makes me feel guilty. This is the worst feeling. I haven't felt anything quite like this before. I know it must be so much worse for her, but this isn't the sort of thing you are used to coping with. I hope that everything settles in my head and my heart, but IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!!!!