grow up.

I've been telling myself that a lot lately.

This weekend Pickle and I visited her Dad's side of the family in West VA. I've heard a lot about this place and was very anxious to see where some of her childhood memories and family get togethers have taken place. Also, to meet more family members. I had met her dad and stepmom before, but I have never gotten a very welcoming feeling from either of them, so I was very nervous to spend an entire long weekend together. Everything went fine, though in terms of family members. I had to get used to Dad and Uncle's joking and making fun of me and I had to learn to be a little less selfish. Although it was my vacation, it was everyone else's too. I hiked and walked in the rain and learned to play cards without hesitation. Even though they weren't my preferred or chosen activities, I managed to enjoy myself throughout. Pickles role as granddaughter/daughter was not what I anticipated. Her outgoing personality was stifled in this environment with competing characters. This led me to believe that she was ignoring me, treating me differently because we were around her family. Well, of course she had to treat me differently! There are grandparents involved! Numerous times during the weekend I found myself pouting over a lack of attention or affection from her and I really just need to get over my lack of self-confidence that I seem to slip so easily into.

Smith built up my confidence and stifled it at the same time. The stifling is due to an event last autumn and also the removal of the safe environment. I was confident at Smith, sure, in a bubble of liberal young women. Now, in the real world, its not so safe to be so confident.

I need to grow up in a variety of ways. For my own personal tally, I want to list them: confidence, money-budgeting, desire for fashion/expensive handbags/designers, health-sticking with quitting smoking and eating my vegetables, treatment of others and ability to make friends.

Now that I've listed them it seems like every aspect of my life right now. Why can't I suddenly have enough experience to be used to being around Pickle in her family setting? Or not want to be the trendiest on the subway? Or not still think the "cool" kids smoke? Or be able to say the right thing to me grieving sister and brother-in-law?I guess getting over and around and through all of these things will eventually take its course. I also know that everyone older than I might say a) enjoy this time. b) there is always more growing up and learning to do. c) none of my list is ever going to change (I might always want designer purses). Oh well, I just thought I would get some of my urges to grow up out of my head for a minute.

Now, I get to go be overwhelmed with a large grocery shopping trip. We are completely out of food. Also, we have to pay some bills. I wish I was oblivious enough to go ahead and not think of the future and focus on the now--spending all of my money on cigarettes, junk food, going out, and clothes (but probably not having cable or internet or live in PS)...